This is the first of a never ending series about my many guilty pleasures. I say "never ending" because I have more bad habits than I have hairs on my head. (And that's saying something, considering that my hair is so thick I probably have some combs still lost in there.)

This isn't so much a column as it is a means of cheap therapy for me. I can't afford a shrink, you see, so I need to confront my demons head on.

Any away we go....

1)EASY CHEESE
(Otherwise known as "cheese in a can")

For me, life is all about the simple pleasures--you know, things like free porn, "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" episodes and greasy, fried meat products. But I can't think of anything much better than settling into my easy chair with a box of Townhouse crackers, a cold beer and a can of Easy Cheese. Yes, once I've acquired my can of VACUUM-PACKED DEATH, I'm ready to watch some mindless TV shows and suitably shorten my lifespan.

I'm addicted to this shit. Don't ask me why, though--it doesn't exactly fit under the dictionary
definition of "cheese" and it doesn't even taste all that great. In fact, now that I think about it, it's kind of nasty. But it's so damn convenient! No knives, no hassles, no mess... and it has some nutritional value, too You can consume your recommended monthly sodium allowance in just one sitting! Plus, you have the added benefits of dangerously elevated blood pressure levels and chest pains! Isn't that wonderful?

And I'm thinking that Easy Cheese might be good for more than just eating. I think it might also work as a weapon of mass destruction. Take a look at the side of the can and you'll see the words "CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE." Hmmm, that's fairly intriguing. The can then goes on to warn you to never puncture it or expose it to extreme heat. How cool is that? I mean, really, how many cheese products have warning labels printed on them? Seriously, the Easy Cheese people must know something that the rest of us don't...

It leaves me to wonder what would happen if I chucked a full can into my fireplace while I had a fire going--would it create a CHEESE EXPLOSION, sending bits of cheddar-flavored shrapnel hurtling off in all directions? I'll bet it would! HOLY FUCK, DOES THE GOVERNMENT KNOW ABOUT THIS? God forbid this shit ever get into the wrong hands! We have enough to worry about in this country without having to deal with cheddar bombs raining down from the sky. Damn, maybe I should keep my mouth shut--I'd hate to give anybody any ideas. I can just see it now; "Holy shit, that guy has some Easy Cheese and a blowtorch! HIT THE DECK!!!"

Yes sir, I think I've discovered the first snack food in the world that can kill you in two totally
different ways. Scary, I know, but that doesn't make me love it any less...

2)KELLY RIPA

In that dark, dark period of my life when I went without cable TV, I was forced to watch some pretty terrible programming. Well, maybe not "forced", but I was given the choice of watching bad TV shows or staring at a blank wall. Now that I look back, the wall was probably the better choice--but I digress.

One such show was "Regis And Kelly," which airs every weekday morning on ABC. This was the "zero hour" for me, right after I got out of bed and right before I went off to work. It's that time of the morning when I was still trying to jar my brain out of REM sleep, staring slack-jawed at the television screen with a look of moronic complacency across my stubbly face. It was during this time I first saw Kelly Ripa.

Of course, I already knew who Regis was. Who didn't? Just a few years before, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" was on at least several nights a week. The whole country just seemed to LOVE this fucking garbage, but I found it extremely irritating. I couldn't stand that prissy Regis or his annoying, high-pitched voice--and to make it worse, the inexplicable success of the show had everybody in the country walking around doing bad Regis impersonations. ("Is that your FINAL answer?") It's a good thing I didn't have a concealed weapons permit--otherwise, I'd be rotting in jail right now because of all the brutal murders I committed.

Anyway, I had always hated Kathie Lee Gifford (who doesn't?) and at first glance, Kelly Ripa wasn't much of an improvement. She's even dumber than Kathie Lee, and it's clear that even Regis can't stand her. Every time she opens her mouth, he gets this pained look on his face and he rolls his eyes skyward. Nobody cares about your bratty kids, Kelly. Nobody cares about your fucking husband, either. And sure as shit, NOBODY cares about that piece of crap sitcom you're starring in. God, how I began to hate her...

But as time passed, a strange thing happened; Kelly started turning me on. It happened gradually, but it was impossible to deny. She'd be on screen yapping away about whatever dumb thoughts were popping into her empty head, and I'd suddenly find myself thinking "Huh, she looks kind of sexy. Actually, she looks downright HOT!" Then I'd hit myself upside the head, trying to chase those evil thoughts from my brain. "NO, JEREMY," I would tell myself sternly. "YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HOT FOR THIS WOMAN! NOT ONLY IS SHE A
FUCKING DULLARD, SHE REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT YOU HATE! EVERYTHING!" But my logic did me little good--and before too long, I was powerless to resist the cold, hard facts;

This chick really, really, REALLY makes me hot. It's now impossible for me to even look at her without fantasizing about bending her over the desk, smacking her ass and laying down some pipe--right in front of Regis and the rest of the country.(Think about what a spectacle that would make on live TV!)I'm not proud of this attraction--in fact,I'm ashamed for feeling this way. But if lusting after Kelly is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Come to daddy, Ripa!

-JTL

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