I missed out on the whole "American Idol" phenomenon that's been taking the nation by storm the last two years. Not because I hadn't heard about it, I just had absolutely NO interest whatsoever. All the show amounts to is a glorified karaoke contest--and what's so cool about that? You can find karaoke contests all over the country, seven days a week. There's probably one going on in your hometown bar tonight. Of course, the stakes aren't as high and the prizes suck... (consider yourself lucky if you win a pitcher of beer)... but the overall concept is exactly the same. Get up there, sing and try not to make a complete fool out of yourself in front of the judges.

I moonlighted as a karaoke host some years back, so the novelty of hearing truly terrible singers has somewhat worn off on me. It was amusing at first, but after a while you start dreading the thought of yet another fat woman screeching an off-key rendition of Patsy Cline's "Crazy." (Other songs, such as "The Rose", "Love Shack" and "Summer Nights" are also routinely butchered.) But when you think about it, isn't THAT one of the main reasons people watch that "American Idol" crap? There's something strangely satisfying about watching someone with absolutely no talent attempt to sing. In small doses, it can be a lot of fun. And since this is a TV show, we have the added glee of watching someone else's dreams get shattered in front of millions of people. We
all secretly LOVE to watch others fail, don't we?

But here's my problem with the program; once they weed out the "entertainment" element (i.e. bad singers), the show quickly turns into a popularity contest that's way worse than high school ever was. The winner of the title of "American Idol" is ultimately voted on by millions of people all over the country--yes, the clueless masses rise up and declare "THIS shall be our new superstar!" (For a few weeks, anyway, or until the public grows bored of them. Whichever comes first.)

Doesn't anybody else see something wrong here??? It's no wonder that the entire music industry is stagnating... there's no room for spontaneity anymore! Think about it--any major movements in music usually came about from someone being ballsy enough to "go against the grain", so to speak. Take Nirvana, for example. Everybody kisses Nirvana's ass, but at least they did indeed help usher in a new era of music. They also helped spawn Eddie Vedder, but nobody's perfect. Think about if Nirvana were hitting the scene today instead of 1991--could someone like Kurt Cobain get ANYWHERE on a show like "American Idol"?

I can just hear Paula Abdul now;

"That 'Teen Spirit' song was... um.... interesting, Kurt. But I think you need to lose the guitar. Everybody knows that pop idols don't play musical instruments--that's what studio musicians are for. And you really should SMILE more! You have such pretty blue eyes!"

But this never would have happened, because a guy like Cobain never would have gotten that far on the show. Hell, he never would have made it past the cattle call auditions. He was too skinny, too intellectual, too brooding, and he wouldn't have looked good on a Corn Flakes box. These days, that's another way of saying "unmarketable".

My point is, "AMERICAN IDOL" IS BAD FOR THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. It's the exact opposite of progression. And if this is a glimpse into the future, when "celebrities" are created because millions of people all agreed and voted on it... well, frankly, this scares me a little. You can kiss all your so-called underground and fringe music goodbye if this ever happens. We're fast approaching a time when an artist whose CD isn't sold at Wal-Mart won't have any place in the music industry. If you're not part of the massive, faceless, corporate machine, your music
probably won't be heard. (And since those music industry bitches shut down Napster and Kazaa, the chances got even smaller. FUCK those greedy pricks!)

It would be like going into the grocery store to buy ice cream and finding out they sell only two flavors--vanilla and chocolate. Maybe you were craving some Black Cherry, but sorry man, you're shit out of luck. Millions of people listed either "vanilla" or "chocolate" as their favorite ice cream flavor, so those are your ONLY choices.... Enjoy!

I don't know about you, but I don't need millions of people telling me what I should be listening to. And I'm NOT going to buy anything from Reuben or Clay, no matter how many times the media shoves their names DOWN MY THROAT. In fact, it pisses me off that I even know their names in the first place. But the news media is part of the machine, too--so they made damn sure that I was going to know who these two assholes are, whether I liked it or not. See, Rueben is the fat black dude who sings like Luthor Vandross, only much, much blander. He's the "teddy bear" of the two, which is really only a polite way of saying " lard ass." Gee that's JUST what we needed--more smooth, boring bullshit masquerading under the moniker of "R & B." Yes sir, that should really set the world on fire. *yawn*

And then there's Clay, the bastard son of Ron Howard and Howdy Doody. Just looking at this dude gets on my nerves. I wish I could've gone to his high school--that way, I'd at least have the pleasure of knowing that I beat him up. I'm not sure what genre of music he's hoping to exploit, but if there is a God his CD will tank. Please, please, God.... let it tank.

This whole "pop" craze is more than played out, and I'm really fucking tired of it. Where, oh where, is the next Nirvana??? Where is our new musical messiah? Somebody out there needs to step up to the plate and deliver us from this mass-marketed, commercialized hell. I just hope they do it soon. "American Idol 3" is just around the corner...

JEREMY THE LONER'S MAILBAG

-On the "Cheap Beer Solution" column:

"hello. let me jist say that i love ur column and i truly dig this site i just want to ask u what is the deal with non-alcholic beer??? i have been a loyal beer drinker for years but once i tasted that shit i just drank vodka my girlfriend is russian so she always has a big supply around the house. u think i should go back to the molosons or stick to the vodka??? oh and i have started to smoke but i dont know what the best brand is???"

First of all, I appreciate the fact that you came to me for advice on the best way to get loaded. Kinda makes me feel like the alcoholic version of Ann Landers...

Let me just say this--it's clear you had plenty of vodka before writing this e-mail. It seems to me like it's working pretty well for you, so why change now? It's funny, but most men are more loyal to the booze they drink than the women in their lives. Booze provides instant gratification, PLUS it never bitches at us.

As for the smoking, I can't help you there. I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, but at least I never took up smoking. It's a good thing, too. I have too many monkeys on my back as it is.

Thanks for writing.

DEAN'S PLANET READERS REMEMBER JOHN RITTER
-Some e-mail from "John Ritter R.I.P."

I have to say THANK YOU to you for that beautiful, truthful column on John. You captured the exact thoughts of many of his fans so honestly, to the point and with sensitivity. I think people loved John because he loved what he did. He was not an over-paid, over-hyped celebrity. We will always shake our heads when we see these "ACTORS" have a place on TV as well as a place on "The highest paid" lists. They don't have talent. They don't know what it means to have talent. They want their "image" to get the attention, not their acting.

-Thank you again sooooo much.

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I just read your article on John Ritter. I thought I was the only crazy person to think he was a comedic genius. Not only did he make Threes Company a hit but he also managed to take really bad movie scripts and make them very funny as well. Remember Problem Child? Or how about Stay Tuned? Those were truly horrible films that I can still watch today only because John Ritter made them so friggin' hillarious.

In any case man, thanks for a nice tribute to a great actor whos had me laughing since I was a kid. You know how he passed thru those pearly gates.....with one of his classic prat falls.

Regards,

Juan

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I thought you did an outstanding job. Ritter was really underappreciated as an actor. "Nick at Nite" ran a marathon the other night and man, I miss him more now than ever.

Great job.

DC

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That was a great column Jeremy. I agree, John Ritter was truly a genius and Three's Company was ahead of its time as a sitcom. That was the last of the best sitcoms. No Celebrity death touched me like that of John Ritter. Im truly sad and I will really miss Jack's physical comedy. Rest in Peace John.

David G Palmeri

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Your writing/tribute to John Ritter was great. Very well thought out & constructed. Do you think there is more behind his passing then will actually be made public? This is just so odd. You mentioned that nobody had anything negative to say regarding him & I agree. I just always had the feeling that John Ritter never made any waves, laid low, & kept working. Unlike Chrissy Snow. You tend to wonder what someone does with themself when they are very successful.

John Ritter had an incredible life. Ever notice how close the two names are: John Ritter & Jack Tripper. I always had the impression that the Jack Tripper character was patterned after John Ritter's persona to some extent. The names are so similar. There is so much of that character in John Ritter's perfomances on The Waltons, Hero at Large, & Skin Deep among others. Such a sad loss. My feeling is this just should have never happened. Thank you again for the article very well done.

Best regards, Doug.

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I got a lot of nice e-mail on that column. It's been coming in all week, even up until this morning. Whoever would have thought Dean's Planet readers were capable of such heartfelt sentiments? I think a lot of us are still reeling from the loss of John, and it's taken everybody out of their comfort zones a bit.

I'm used to writing about tits and beer... and I'm not comfortable sharing my "feelings" like some Goth chick who's into writing bad poetry.

I should say, however, that it was really gratifying to see how many of you felt the same way about John that I did. Years from now, Ritter will be mentioned in the same breath as people like Jackie Gleason, Milton Berle and Charlie Chaplin who, like John, were true masters at their craft.

Thanks to everybody who wrote in. Now, let's hope nobody else dies for a while... this shit is starting to get depressing.

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