Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think it's safe to say I was right about J-Lo's new movie. Right as rain, baby! You should have seen my face when the weekend box office returns came in and revealed that the new Lopez/Affleck vehicle "Gigli" pulled in a measly 3.8 million. I was as giddy as a schoolgirl! To paraphrase Chevy Chase in the first "Vacation" movie, I'm gonna need plastic surgery to remove my goddamn smile!

Yes, folks, that's 3.8 million.... not 38 million, like J-lo's studio execs were hoping for. Let's put this into perspective--the film had a budget of 54 million, 80% of which no doubt went into J-Lo's and Affleck's pocket. (If the reviews are to be believed, not much of it ended up on the screen.) Summer movies ALWAYS rake in the most money during their opening weekend, and the tally drops off substantially after that. So let's see here... the movie made less than 4 million... that should be just about enough to cover the costs of the on-set catering and J-Lo's personal hair stylist. Can you say "BOX OFFICE DISASTER"???

Pardon me for a few moments while I laugh uncontrollably... BWAAAAH HA HA HA HA!!!!

I really shouldn't be getting so much joy out of this whole stupid situation, but I am a small, petty man. I hate Jennifer Lopez. I hate Ben Affleck. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be at all upset if they both died tomorrow in a fiery wreck. In fact, I'd probably call in to work and drink a six-pack in celebration. (I'm always looking for an excuse to do that.) But hey, my reasons for hating them are not without merit. Consider the following:

On the "Gigli" movie posters, J-Lo's ass is airbrushed down a few inches. Apparently, she saw the undoctored photo and thought her booty looked too big. Hello...???? Gee, that's a great idea--take your most celebrated feature and make it look smaller and less appealing. What the fuck is up with that?? That's like Dolly Parton getting a breast reduction. Maybe she's trying to look more "white" for her handsome, precious widdle Benny-wenny... I don't know. Either way, what a dumb bitch.

Everybody knows that Affleck is a major closet case who's pining away for his soulmate, Matt Damon. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out--Damon is supposedly dating Affleck's former assistant, and you HAVE to know this has set off some sparks between the two of them. I'm sure Ben said to Matt "Oh yeah??? Well, two can play at that game, Matty. I can pretend to be heterosexual, too. I'm gonna date Jennifer Lopez! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, YOU LITTLE BLONDE BITCH???" Meanwhile, they're both secretly longing to be in one another's arms.

What made these two egomaniacs think we'd WANT to see them in a movie together? Haven't we seen enough already? It's bad enough that the press is covering their every move like it's actual "news." Will they get married? Won't they?? DO I GIVE A FUCK??? Look, if Affleck is dumb enough to marry that stupid bitch, he deserves what's coming to him. "Jenny from the block"? No, it's more like she's been AROUND the block... more times than the fucking ice cream man. And I'll tell you this much--this broad is about to hit the wall in MAJOR way. If you think she looks good now, take another look at her in five years. Go ahead, I dare you!!! Her ass is going to look like fifty pounds of saggy cottage cheese. Of course, she should be on her ninth husband by then.

I'm happy to say that the first of my J-Lo predictions has come to pass--and in case you missed them, my prophecies can be found on my "The Fall of J-Lo" column. Take a look at that column, if you haven't already--and prepare to be dazzled by a glimpse into the future!

3.8 million? BWAAAAH HA HA HA HA!!!!

I'm sorry for gloating, it's just that this really, REALLY made my day.