Guess what, everybody???

The final episode of "Joe Millionaire" aired last night, bringing resolution to the series and even revealing the closely-guarded, mysterious "twist ending". Isn't that nice? I just wanted to pass that info along--it must be newsworthy, because when I turned on the T.V. news this morning THAT'S ALL ANYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT.

You should have seen the look on my pudgy, stubble-ridden face. What the hell is wrong with this country??? We're about to go to war and THIS is what they're talking about on the news?? "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" I bellowed, chucking my remote in the general direction of the T.V. screen. (I do that a lot.) My rhetorical question was answered when they started talking about the ratings the episode drew--which turned out to be something like a 30 share. "Who gives a shit?" A lot of fucking people, apparently.

You can tell a lot about a culture by what kinds of entertainment it chooses. Make no mistake, folks, these are Roman times... and we're fucked.

Okay, okay, so maybe I just woke up in a pissy mood. I'm always like that when I have to get up early, which in my case happens to be around six-thirty in the morning. Nobody gets up this early by choice--the sole exception being those stupid old bastards that go power-walking in shopping malls at the crack of dawn. (I wish those cheap-ass mofos would just  buying a fucking treadmill and stay home. I shouldn't have to endure the sight of elderly women huffing around in sweats and ankle weights.) I know that a small percentage of the population consider themselves to be true "morning people"... you know, the types that show up to work bright and chipper every morning, while everybody else looks pale and hung-over... but I'm not one of these people. I fact, I hate those types for not being miserable pricks... like I am.

Wait a second, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, "Reality T.V."

I'll admit, I'm one of the hapless viewers that got this whole ball rolling when I became addicted to the first season of "Survivor" a few years back. It was actually a novel concept at the time, and I bought right into it. I remember watching the last episode on the edge of my seat--and feeling raging contempt at myself for being so easily manipulated. It was the same story all over the country, with everybody crowded around their T.V. sets like it was the fucking Superbowl or
something.

When the ratings came in, the industry folks took notice. And you knew it was only a matter of time before they took that original, good idea and proceeded to SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS with every sort of knock-off that you can imagine. First there was "Big Brother", which led to "Fear Factor", which led to "Boot Camp". For me, the whole "reality" concept lost its lustre quicker than "Fruit Stripes" gum loses its flavor. But that was still only the beginning of the onslaught! "Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire?", "The Bachelor", "The Surreal Life" and "Joe Millionaire" were all the evil spawn of the "Survivor" phenomenon. And as the ratings continue to hold up, the network honchos are greedily racking their brains for the next derivative piece-of-shit that will enthrall millions. They'll squeeze every last cent out of this thing before it's over. Believe it.

Look, I'm not a T.V. snob. I love a little mindless fun just like anybody else. But I'll take "Three's Company" over "Joe Millionaire" any day of the week... and Jack Tripper easily rules over that Evan dude. What the fuck do I care if some loser construction worker gets a blowjob from a money-grubbing slut??? I'd rather watch Jack try to get into Chrissy's pants while Mr. Roper eavesdrops in the next room.... to me, THAT is the pinnacle of mindless entertainment--not this "reality" crap.

Am I the only one who feels this way?? Am I the only one that thinks "Survivor" creator Mark Burnette might be the antichrist?? Time will tell how much longer this obnoxious phase in broadcasting lasts, but in the meantime I'll stick to my reruns and hockey games.

And lots of beer.