I have a confession to make--despite the thumbnail picture next to my column, I'm NOT Ron Jeremy, porn star extraordinaire. Unfortunately, I can't lay claim to banging thousands of women... or even twenty women, if you want to know the truth. I'm just another schmuck working a "go nowhere" job that I despise and driving a piece of shit car.

This may disappoint a few of you, considering some of the e-mail I've been getting. I shit you not... I've actually gotten a few e-mails from Ron Jeremy fans, wondering if their hero was moonlighting as a Dean's Planet columnist on the side. I regret to say this is not the case... although I will agree that Ron Jeremy is a man worthy of your admiration.

Think about it--this is an ugly, pudgy man who transformed himself into THE king of porn. He doesn't look anything like your typical male porn star, he looks more like some sleazy uncle that only shows up for Thanksgiving dinner. But he's been in more porno moves than anybody else on the planet. Plus, he's able to do something most men can only dream about... perform self-fellatio. How fucking amazing is that? Sure the guy is hung like a moose, but considering the size of his flabby gut I can't believe he can get far enough down there....but somehow, some way, he gets the job done. You need to see this for yourself to truly understand the mastery involved in such a maneuver.. but don't worry, it's perfectly okay to watch such a video and not be under homo suspicion. If anything, it's more a case of "HOW DOES THAT FAT BASTARD DO THAT???" You have to admire a man that can successfully pull it off.

Plus, the guy has been around forever, and seeing a Ron Jeremy flick is like a rite of passage for a young guy growing up. What guy doesn't remember the first porno video he ever saw??? I remember my "first time", if you'll pardon the expression.. I was thirteen years old, right around when everybody started getting VCRs. My grandfather had just gotten his--and not surprisingly, the first thing he did was borrow a stack of porno tapes from a neighbor. It was great timing, because my three cousins were visiting from out of town... and those bastards were real deviants, let me tell you.

Thankfully, grandpa had an enlightened attitude of "boys will be boys" when it came to his grandsons. He was so cool, he never even bitched when we used to raid his liquor supply. So, he had no objections that fateful day when my cousins, my brother and me got into his porno collection. In fact, he even ordered pizza for us! We had a fine old time, watching Marilyn Chambers movies, stuffing our faces with pizzas
and keeping on the lookout for grandma--who was out shopping and would have had a coronary if she caught us all watching porno movies in her living room.

One of the tapes had a Ron Jeremy scene . I'm not positive, but I think the movie was called "Love Toys, Incorporated". I remember that Ron got to bang this hot blonde chick and he had this miniature table called a "Sit-N-Spin" that had a glory hole in the middle--so he shoved his "mini-Ron" through the hole, propped the chick up there and spun her ass around like a top. It was quite an eye-opening experience to witness this spectacle, especially with Ron making frequent one-liners such as:

"I should get a job at the dentist. This drilling's great!"

Needless to say, those images have been branded on my brain forever. And I guess that's sort of the point--once you see Ron Jeremy, it's impossible not to have a reaction. Most women find him repulsive, and I'm not about to argue THAT point... I mean, the guy is nicknamed "the Hedgehog" for a reason. But most guys I know look at Ron with a certain reverence and respect, and it's not hard to understand why. Most of us didn't get laid much in high school. A lot of us don't get laid now. Therefore, we can appreciate the fact that an ugly man is making a good living by banging sexy chicks that wouldn't wipe their feet on him under normal circumstances. It gives the rest of us goofy-looking dudes hope, you know?

So, for those of you who've asked--no, I'm not Ron Jeremy. I think I'll keep his picture next to my column, though. It's a worthy tribute and besides, next to his ugly mug an actual picture of me would seem anti-climatic by comparison.

Long live the Hedgehog!