Hello all, Jeremy the Loner here. I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here on Dean's Planet, but in my defense, I'm lazy as hell. For what it's worth, I also moved into a new apartment recently and I had a lot of drinking to catch up on. It's amazing how fast time flies once you've discovered the joys of cheap whiskey. (Did you know it mixes well with Faygo's Rock & Rye?) Here it is, fall already, and I hardly noticed that the summer had passed right before my drunken eyes. Thanks to everybody who wrote to me, concerned about whether or not I was still alive. Let me assure you all... I AM alive... sort of... and it's good to be back home. I promise to never stay away again. (Even if you want me to.)

But enough of that shit--let the bitching begin!! Here's what's pissing me off this week;

THE STATE OF FLORIDA
Look, I understand that some people will take offense to me saying this--but let's face the facts here. Why the hell would somebody want to live in Florida? It's a hot, muggy swamp where old people go to die, a place where they spend their days terrorizing motorists that actually know how to drive. (Incidentally, the rest of the state consists mainly of roving gangs that like to shoot holes in anything that moves.) My own grandparents lived here (just like yours, I'm sure), and they were true menaces on the road. I happened to be in the car the day grandma pulled out directly in front of some poor guy in a van without even bothering to see if anyone was coming. He ended up in a ditch, screaming "YOU STUPID OLD BITCH!!" as grandma sped
away.

"Grandma, you just cut that guy off!" I cried in horror.

"No, I didn't," she said, not even remotely aware that she had almost killed all three of us. Talk about danger on the roads... here we have a state where millions of old people spend their days crashing their cars into one another. It makes me shudder just to think about it.

And, of course, with the presidential election coming up in a few short weeks, all eyes are focused on Florida--otherwise known as "the state that fucked everything up last time". Christ almighty, here we go again-- and just when I thought I'd heard the end of "hanging chads". Call me harsh if you must, but I am of the opinion that if you're too stupid to vote properly, then your VOTE SHOULDN'T COUNT ANYWAY. Come on, I'm sure most of you have voted at least once... was it THAT damn complicated?

Hell, even God hates Florida. Think I'm wrong? All you need to do is take a look at this year's hurricane season. Floridians have had to endure months of pummeling from hurricane after hurricane, in what has to be divine punishment. I think God is trying to save the rest of the country from another headache after the upcoming election. I think He needs to take it one step further, though--I think He should break off the entire state and sink it into the fucking ocean. I mean, think of all the future traffic accidents that could be avoided!

(Sorry Grandpa, but it had to be said.)

PEOPLE THAT PLAY THE LOTTERY
First off, let me clarify here--I'm not talking about ALL people that play the lottery. Even I've been known to play it once in a blue moon, mostly when the jackpots get into the 200 million range. But I'm not kidding myself--I KNOW I'm never going to win. I just buy a few Easy Pick tickets, daydream for a few minutes about what I'd do with the money if I won, then give a sad sigh when I check the results and realize that I failed to match even one measly number. There's nothing better than throwing your money away, is there?

But SOME people (and you assholes know who you are)take this lottery shit way too seriously. This in itself doesn't bother me... what DOES bother me is when I get behind one of these idiots when I'm in line at 7-11. These are the people that play their "lucky numbers", and they just love to hold up the line while they argue with the clerk;

IDIOT CUSTOMER WITH FOUR TEETH: "No, no, this ticket got printed up wrong. The last three digits are supposed to be 7-18-36. See, July 18th is my daughter's birthday and my wife is 36... or is it 35?"

Then, they proceed to pull out a shitload of winning $2 instant tickets, further holding up the line while they decide what new instant tickets they want to apply the money to.

IDIOT CUSTOMER: "Okay, gimmie two Bingo tickets and... um.... (drumming dirty fingers on the counter while looking over the selection)... two "Piles O' Cash" tickets and... uh... three of those. No, wait, not THAT one..."

Meanwhile, I'm standing there as my beer gradually becomes room temperature, struggling to keep myself from putting the guy's face through the glass counter and breaking my 40oz beer bottles over his peanut-sized head while the rest of the customers flee the scene in terror. These are the same people that like to tell you what they're going to do with the money WHEN they win. (As if anyone gives a fuck about what kind of car they'd buy.) Note that I said "when" they win. For you see, it's inconceivable to them that their actual chances of winning are something like 1 in 600 trillion. After all, how can they go wrong when they have their "lucky numbers"?

If you're one of these people, it's time for a little reality check. Listen carefully; YOU... ARE NOT... GOING... TO WIN... THE FUCKING... LOTTERY. NOT EVER. And here's something else you probably never considered--what happens if your "lucky numbers" come up the one day you decide not to play? I mean, once you've committed to a certain set of numbers, you almost become a prisoner of them. Because if they hit the day you don't play them, that's pretty much fate's way of telling you to kill yourself. Maybe you should kill yourself, anyway... that way I can have cold beer when I get home.

Of course, you do have a good chance of winning an obscenely huge jackpot if you happen to be elderly. Come on, you know it's true--old people almost ALWAYS win the lottery... and then they die three weeks later, leaving their vast fortune to their cats. Fucking old people--they all bitch about living on "fixed incomes", yet they have plenty of cash to blow on the lottery and their summer homes. Meanwhile, I don't have two nickles to rub together.

Fuck, I'm not even employed at the moment. Are there any women out there looking to hire a towel boy? I'm available to work nights and weekends...

-JTL

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