Just so you all know, I'm feeling a little pissier than normal tonight so you should proceed with caution. Unless, of course, you're in a pissed off mood yourself. In that case, come along and bask in the bitterness!

Here's what's turning my hair prematurely gray THIS week:

ELLEN DEGENERES AND HER LAME-ASS TALK SHOW
Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I've never been a fan of Ellen or that inane drivel she calls "comedy." I remember seeing her stand-up back in the 80's and I can't say it's ever made me laugh. Quite the contrary, actually--watching her "nervous" style of humor more often than not put me in a bad mood. Whoever it was that told this broad she was funny should be stripped naked, doused in honey and fed to a bunch of starving grizzly bears. And then, they should be subjected to some REAL torture...

Don't get me started on her stupid sitcom, either. I recall what a big deal it was when her "character" on Ellen came out of the closet--and in doing so, Degeneres herself came out as a lesbian on the cover of Newsweek with a caption that read "Yep, I'm gay." The country reacted by yawning uncontrollably. I mean, shit, that was almost as big as the time when Rosie O' Donnell declared she too was a lesbian! Wowee! You know, I actually believed that she was "in love" with Tom Cruise. (And why not? In all honesty, the man is prettier than most women you'll ever come across.) What shocking revelations these were! Who's going to come out next? Richard Simmons??? (Okay, sarcasm mode turned OFF.)

Ellen further tried my patience with her very public (and annoying) romance with Anne Heche. This really hit me where it hurts because I... well, uh... I kind of dig Anne Heche. Yeah, I know the woman is a raving lunatic that thinks she flies around in spaceships and cavorts with aliens, but what the hell, I find her sexy. (It doesn't hurt that Anne has more than just a passing resemblance to the only girl I ever REALLY fell for... and she knows who she is.) Plus, I can appreciate a truly loony woman, which Anne certainly is. How else could someone go from dating Steve Martin to Ellen Degeneres? That's fucking crazy! HOWEVER... as hot as she is, the thought of Anne's face buried deep between Ellen's thighs didn't exactly inspire any boners in my lonely pants. Screw that, my cock practically "turtle headed" at the very idea. Ellen Degeneres having sex? Ewwwwww!!!!

These days, Ellen has the hottest up-and-coming show in daytime TV. Sort of like Rosie did before America realized she was an irritating, pumpkin-headed bull dyke. Just the other day, the new ratings came up and revealed that Ellen's show has increased its viewership by more than 30%. Christ almighty, housewives must be really, really hard up for something to watch if they're tuning into this travesty. Hey, if I were THAT bored during the day, I'd put a gun in my mouth and purchase a one way ticket to hell.

I forced myself to watch fifteen minutes of the show, just so I could be somewhat educated on what it's all about. (I would have watched more, but I worry about my blood pressure.) There's absolutely nothing new here--it starts off with lame, generic theme music, along with Ellen's ugly, bug-eyed face mugging for the cameras. And when she comes out to do her painfully unfunny monologue, the women in the audience go fucking nuts. Why do millions upon millions of women like this shit? I don't know, but I'm assuming that either this country is secretly CRAWLING with lesbians, or somebody's spiking the national water supply with acid. Come to think of it, I have been feeling kinda weird lately... and the walls in my apartment seem to be breathing....

And what's with the "ultra hip" black guy who acts as the show's DJ? It seems to me that his ONLY job on the show is to spin records at the end of the monologue and force a smile while doing so. I feel sorry for the dude. I mean, he puts up a brave front and everything, but he's clearly embarrassed to be there. Can you imagine the shit he must get from his black friends? You know that he'd rather be spinning discs for somebody like Snoop Dogg, as opposed to a white lesbian who incorrectly believes she can dance.

While we're on the subject, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S SACRED does Ellen subject us to her horrendous "dancing?" I'd rather solder my nutsack to a speeding semi than watch this unfunny broad shake her big ass to "Play That Funky Music" on national TV. Who in the FUCK told her this was a good idea?? I don't claim to be a good dancer myself... hell, I downright blow chunks. But next to this woman, I'm better than Jacko. The truly sad thing about this "dancing" gimmick is that it's become the show's trademark. Ellen herself has said that the audience has come to love it and that her dancing has basically become a focal point in the show. (Want some more acid in your water, folks?)

Just yesterday, I witnessed this inexplicable phenomenon firsthand. Ellen was droning on during her monologue, yapping away about that TV show "Extreme Makeovers; Home Edition." (Or whatever the fuck it's called.) "If I were to do a themed room in my house," Ellen was saying, "I'd want a disco theme." Upon hearing this, the apparently lobotomized black DJ got this huge grin on his face--as in "Gee, that's my cue!"--and promptly began spinning Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage" while Degeneres shook her ass and danced for all the world to see. This is truly the stuff nightmares are made of. In fact, I became convinced that I myself was having a nightmare, so I began savagely punching myself in the face in a desperate attempt to wake up. Thankfully, my roommate changed the channel before I did any permanent damage--but the emotional scars I've acquired just might last a lifetime.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; you can tell a lot about a culture by the kind of entertainment it chooses. These are Roman times, people. Get ready to crash and burn...

DEMOCRATIC CONSPIRACY THEORIES
All things considered, the 2004 election went relatively smoothly. In particular, I think Floridians deserve some kudos for finally mastering the difficult art of voting. Way to go, grandma! The rest of the country spoke loud and clear, leaving no doubt as to who won the election this year. And to John Kerry's credit, he was gracious enough to see the writing on the wall and concede the election in a timely manner. Good campaign, John. You gave it a great shot, and I honestly believe that you're a good man who had the country's best interests at heart.

By now, you're probably wondering... what the hell am I pissed off about? Well, let me tell you--I was watching the election coverage very closely and I noticed a few patterns emerging. There is a distinct difference between Bush supporters and Kerry supporters, and I think these two anecdotes will make my point nicely;

a) On the east side of Detroit, the media was reporting on a voting station that experienced a power outage. I believe it was an elementary school, and the voters were fucking FURIOUS over the mishap. Now, I don't think I need to tell you that most Detroiters were voting Democratic.... I mean, honestly, how many black people do you know who voted for Bush? Pretty damn few, I can tell you that. But that's not the point I'm trying to make...

The point is, these people were taking this shit WAY too seriously. The news crew interviewed one black woman who was raving "This power failure is ridiculous! There's hardly enough light in there to see who you're voting for! Somebody needs to get over here and fix this... this... CONSPIRACY!" The general consensus of the voters in that area was that the "power failure" was actually part of a VAST REPUBLICAN CONSPIRACY designed to keep them for voting for Kerry. Yep, sounds pretty plausible to me. *snicker*

Hmmm... let's reflect on these comments for a few moments, shall we? First off, it should be noted that despite the power failure, people WERE still able to vote. Secondly, it was a fucking power failure; how does that translate into a "conspiracy?" Jesus Christ, lady, shit happens! Honestly, these people must have REALLY high opinions of themselves if they think their vote is that fucking important in the overall scheme of things. In their eyes, it must have gone down like this;

PRESIDENTIAL AIDE: "Sir, we have a problem at an elementary school in Detroit. There's simply too many democrats in that district. What should we do?"

BUSH: "Well, obviously we can't let them vote. We must make sure that their voices are NEVER heard! We must knock out power to that district immediately--and if that doesn't work, send some burly, white-bread republicans over there to rough them up. Come on, now, get to it!"

AIDE: "Yes, my dark master of evil...."

Give me a fucking break, readers. Do these idiots realize how fucking stupid they sound? It actually got to the point where the NAACP announced a lawsuit on behalf of black voters, citing "voter intimidation" (among various other bullshit claims.) What the hell is THAT, anyway? I'd like to see somebody "intimidate" me into not voting. Unless they shove a loaded gun in my face, they ain't gonna be too successful. Luckily for them, the NAACP came to their senses and dropped the proposed lawsuit less than two hours later. Maybe they realized how dumb it was. Or maybe Al Sharpton was too busy to fly to Michigan and angle for some camera time. Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

b) In another (primarily Republican) area of the state, voters faced a mishap of their own--the district had simply run out of ballots. It was roughly 5:00pm when this happened, just when people are getting off work--right smack dab in the middle of the prime voting hours, as it so happens. People in line were told there were NO ballots whatsoever, so they could either wait a few hours until new ones arrived or simply go home.

The media covered this event, too, and spoke with several voters as they walked to their cars. Most of them were pretty pissed off (and rightfully so), but NOT ONCE did anybody suggest that the lack of ballots was part of a conspiracy orchestrated by the democrats to keep them from voting. They focused their anger where it belonged, on the district which had failed to prepare properly. In a nutshell, THIS is the difference between Bush supporters and Kerry supporters.

Now before you all start flooding my inbox with a lot of democratic propaganda, let me explain something to you; I'm not a staunch Bush supporter. I'm not a staunch Kerry supporter, either. Both men have their strengths and their flaws. I'm the first to admit that Bush bungled Iraq and got us into some deep shit over there. But I'm also smart enough to realize that there are very few "black or white" situations in life... there's only shades of gray. To put it another way, I don't believe that Bush is an evil bogeyman out to rape the country for his own financial interests any more than I believe Kerry was the savior that was going to lead this country to glory. America has PLENTY of problems at the moment, and no one man will ever be able fix them all.

You know what I'd love to see happen at this point? I'd love to see Kerry supporters say "You know, it's too bad my candidate didn't win, but life goes on. Maybe I should try giving Bush the benefit of the doubt for once and hope for the best." But you know as well as I do that this will NOT happen... any day now, the conspiracy theorists will start crawling out the woodwork, spouting off about how Bush "stole" the election, how votes weren't counted properly, blah blah BLAH. That shit is getting really tiresome, even if you aren't a republican.
I mean, seriously, your candidate lost... fucking deal with it. Had Kerry been elected, I would have been the first to offer my congratulations to him and wish him well. It's a lot more productive than crying over spilled milk, wouldn't you agree?

On a side note, I hope the Hollywood community finally got the hint after this election ended; WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK. So please, stop telling us who you think we should vote for-- nobody cares. Nobody is ever GOING to care. To put it bluntly, unless you're reciting lines from a script, shut your fucking mouths. I would say the exact same thing if they were supporting Bush, or Nader, or even an asshole like me. (Jeremy the Loner in '08, baby!) People like Bruce Springsteen and Michael Moore need to get a clue... you AREN'T going to change the country's way of thinking. Moore thought that "Fahrenheit 911" was going to allow Kerry to waltz into the White House. Well, welcome back to earth, Mikey.

Congratulations on your victory, Mr. President. I hope you live up to the faith this country has placed in your leadership. As for me, I'm going to cross my fingers and hope for the best. I'm also gonna start working on my campaign platforms for the 2008 election. I plan on bringing back groupies and blowjobs to the oval office, citing Bill Clinton as my inspiration. That should be fun...

See you all in four years. "Rock the Vote," motherfuckers!

-JTL

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