The Grammy nominations were announced last week, and I gotta tell ya... music is in a sorrier state than ever. When a dumb little quiff like Avril Lavigne can walk away with five nominations, that should tell you something right there. What a stupid child--Avril was reading off some of the Grammy nominations for the press and she mispronounced David Bowie's name. ("Bowie" came out rhyming with "Wow-wee".) Anybody with an IQ higher than sixty would have known better... which rules out Ms.
Lavigne, apparently.

The Grammys are a complete joke, anyway. I can't for the life of me figure out why everyone still gives a shit about them. Look, people--Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. That's right, MILLI FUCKING VANILLI. I'm pretty sure even Vanilla Ice got a nomination or two. In other words, any shred of integrity the Grammys once had is long, long gone. It's just another excuse for clueless celebs to put on over-priced clothes and kiss each other's asses.

I hate award shows. Plain and simple. I hate watching celebrities come out in pairs to engage in poorly-scripted banter. I hate seeing Joan Rivers tirelessly report on what all the women are wearing (like anybody gives a shit). And don't get me started on acceptance speeches...

A NOTE TO THE CELEBRITIES:
When making your acceptance speech, please refrain from thanking a whole long list of people that NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF. Take your stupid little award, shut your mouth and piss off.

And don't start with any false modesty bullshit (i.e. "there are SO many great artists, I'm not sure I deserve the award). Shut up, you idiot. You know what I'd like to see, just once?

CELEBRITY: I want to thank the other artists I was nominated with... I mean, anyone of you could have won this award over me.

HOST: You know something? You're right. Gimmie back that statue and I'll give it to someone else, you talentless fucktard.

Here's something else I can do without...

"Um... first of all, I want to thank God for this award."

How fucking pretentious are these assholes, anyway? Do these people actually think that winning their retarded little award statue was somehow part of "God's plan" for the world? Are these people so SELF-ABSORBED that they think God had nothing better to do than make sure that they win their People's Choice award??? Man, what a bunch of conceited morons.

Halle Berry was the worst-- did you happen to see her Oscar acceptance speech? First of all, she was sobbing like a little girl... which annoyed me. Secondly, she kept going on about how this was such a great thing for "women of color." Hello...???? So you're a woman of color, Halle? WHAT ABOUT YOUR WHITE MOTHER??? Somebody needs to cram that Oscar straight up her pompous ass... while I watch, of course.

As for the Grammys, well, I can honestly say I wouldn't want one if I were a musician. What does a Grammy signify? It means you're the flavor of the month. It means that lots of people bought your music, regardless of whether it was good or not. It also means that you're the musical equivalent of fast food--enjoyable for a brief time and totally forgettable afterward.

Don't forget it, Justin Timberlake; you too Avril. You have hot careers now, but once upon a time, so did Billy Ray Cyrus.