Sunday nights just aren't the same anymore.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when Sunday night meant another installment of my favorite TV show, that pop culture freak show known as "The Surreal Life". It meant plenty of hi jinks from Ron Jeremy and Vanilla Ice, toothy smiles from Erik Estrada and Tammy Faye bawling her eyes out every five minutes. Good times! Sure it was completely mindless, but what the fuck, I was entertained. I was SO entertained, I stopped going to my favorite karaoke bar on Sunday nights--even though they had five dollar pitchers of beer--just so I watch the show. And let me tell you, there's not too many things that will make me pass up a great deal on beer...

So what's different about this season as opposed to the other two? Could it be the fact that the show moved from the WB Network to Vh-1? No, that's not it--although Vh-1 HAS been pissing me off lately, what with that whole new "Partridge Family" show they keep shoving down our throats. (Like anybody's actually going to watch that piece of shit.) And I really wasn't too happy with the way they whittled the show down from an hour to a measly 30 minutes, either. But these are just minor gripes. The concept and the feel of the show are still the same, but it just ain't working for me this time. Why is this? Well, I can sum it up in two words... "the cast". Let's take a closer look, shall we?

JORDAN KNIGHT
"Let's get on the floor and do the fuckin' New Kids dance..."

I was never an admirer of Jordan, mostly because I was in high school when the whole "New Kids on the Block" thing reached its zenith. It's not an easy thing to accept when all the girls your age are slobbering New Kids fans--especially when I took a long, hard look in the mirror and realized that I was NEVER going to be a teen idol. Not by a LONG shot. In fact, it's a wonder I ever got laid at all. So I suppose I may have a little resentment toward Jordan still buried in my psyche somewhere. Hey, at least I'm man enough to admit it.

That aside, this guy just isn't fun to watch on "The Surreal Life." For one thing, he's pretty damn whiney. And instead of hanging out with the rest of the cast, he isolates himself in a room all by himself and barricades the door with suitcases. Why is that necessary? Here's a newsflash, Jordan--1989 is over. I really don't think you need to worry about people trying to invade your room. (Somehow, Charo just doesn't seem all that interested in you sexually.) Jordan's excuse for his anti-social is his need for "privacy."

Give me a fucking break, man! If your privacy is so damn important to you, then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU AGREE TO BE ON A REALITY SHOW? Does that make any sense at all? Seriously, I can appreciate the need to be a loner as much as anybody, but that's just fucking ridiculous.

I do find it amusing that Knight is no longer the svelte Cassanova he was back in his New Kids heyday. Let's face it, the guy's put on a few pounds. I guess even teen idols have to deal with the ravages of time sooner or later and realize you can't be young and good-looking forever.

Deal with it, Jordan. God knows I have.

BRIGITTE NIELSON
When I compare the Brigitte Nielson of 2004 with the chick I remember so fondly in "Rocky IV" and "Red Sonja," one thing becomes abundantly clear; too much alcohol can really fuck up your looks. Luckily for me, I never had any looks to begin with so the alcohol abuse thing doesn't worry me. Besides, my liver has shown time and time again that it can take abuse like a fucking CHAMP.

This woman used to be pretty hot back in the day. I mean, really, do you think Stallone would have married her otherwise? That's one of the perks of being a star--you get hot women, even if you're a total loser. (Note to self; try to become famous sometime in the near future.) There was a time when I would have enjoyed watching this woman slink around in a thong, as she does on "The Surreal Life." But now... EWWWW!! For Christ's sake, lady, put some clothes on! And stay out of the sun while you're at it--your face is looking more leathery than my wallet.

She also has a tendency towards slutty, drunken behavior. Being a horny man, I have no problems with this--but this woman is clearly out of control. I'm pretty sure she could drink my ass under the table... and as you might have guessed, I'm not exactly a lightweight. She has a perfect excuse for her decadent lifestyle, though. Anytime anybody questions her actions, she blows them off by saying "it's a European thing." Well, I don't know if that's true or not but if it is, I'm definitely going to Europe someday. If all the women there are as loose as Brigitte, I'm pretty sure I could have a good time....

Brigitte has had several romantic interludes during the course of the show--there was Charo's backup dancer, those wacky surf instructors and even Flava Flav. But I think Flav's barking up the wrong tree if he wants to hook up with this broad. All she'll end up doing is teasing his
"mini Flav", breaking his heart and moving on to her next victim. I don't know about you guys, but I think Flav deserves better.

CHARO
I must say that I knew almost nothing about Charo before watching her on "The Surreal Life." I remember her being on "The Love Boat" every other week when I was a kid--but I had no idea what the hell she did, or why she was famous. (I feel much the same about Rip Torn.) Apparently, she's a pretty accomplished musician and she DOES play a pretty mean guitar. But I'll always remember her as the foreign lady with big hooters that's incapable of saying a sentence without incorporating the word "coochie" in it. Yes, Charo, THAT is your legacy, babe.

I'm not really sure why Charo was cast in this particular show. She doesn't really add much to it--in fact, I can't even understand what the hell she's talking about most of the time. But I'll give her some props for one thing... she's in pretty good shape for a woman her age. In fact, sometimes I almost have the urge to bang her. But then, the camera does a close-up of her face and the urge QUICKLY passes.

DAVE COULIER
I used to really, really hate this guy. There was a time when he was a pretty big TV star, back in the days of "Full House" and "America's Funniest People." Coulier and his curly mullet were on the tube constantly--the only problem I had with this is the fact that the man simply is NOT funny. Seriously, how can you make a career out of doing lame-ass Popeye and Bullwinkle impressions and hanging out with the Olsen twins? Hell if I know, but this dude managed to do it. And he made some big bucks in the process, too.

I guess I should have been happy for him. He's a Detroiter, as I am, and you have to be happy for anybody that manages to escape this shithole town. But every time I saw him hamming it up in front of the cameras, my irrational hatred of him increased alarmingly. I'm pretty sure I would have punched him in the face if I ever met him--and John Stamos, too, while I was at it. Both of them seemed to have achieved great fame for no apparent reason. I'm not bitter, though. Nope, not bitter at all...

But as "The Surreal Life" has been going on, I've slowly began changing my opinion of Dave. I STILL don't think he's funny... in fact, he's boring as all hell. All in all, though, he comes off as a decent guy that I'd probably get along with in real life, especially if he took pity on my broke ass and cut me a check.

What do ya say, Dave?? Wanna send me some cash? I'll be cool to you, man. I'll even fake a laugh when you do your stupid impersonations...

TIFFANY MONTGOMERY (aka "Ryan Starr")
Notice that I'm referring to this bitch by her given name, Tiffany, as opposed to her "stage name" Ryan Starr. For one thing, Ryan is a fucking guy's name... for another thing, I take offense to her stealing Ringo's moniker. (Ringo is a "Starr" you dumb broad, NOT you.) Her reasoning behind the name change is "I am so-o-o-o not a Tiffany." Well, I don't know what you're "not"... but I do know what you ARE, which is a delusional, arrogant, self-absorbed waste of a nice ass. And as far as your singing goes, I've heard a hell of a lot better.

Think I'm being too harsh? If so, you can go right ahead and deal with it. I can't stand this fucking "American Idol" reject with an attitude problem. She's a fucking hypocrite who claims to be a devoted Christian--oh really, Tiffany? I've seen your "American Idol" clips and you were dressed like a friggin' slut. It's funny how you claim you have "artistic integrity", yet you'll sell your soul for 15 minutes of fame. Better check your watch, bitch, because you're well past minute number 14... and seconds away from obscurity, where your annoying ass belongs. Besides, you were the 4th person to get booted from the first season of "American Idol." Holy shit, you're hardly more of a "celebrity" than I am!

Let me tell you why I can't stand this future grocery store cashier. First off, she's a fucking prude, which bugs the hell out of me. During one of the first episodes of the season, some male strippers showed up during a cast dinner and started performing. Tiffany went on to say how
"gross" strippers are and how she's "too young" for such nonsense... even though the bitch is like 21 years old. Well, what the fuck... how old is "old enough", anyway? 50? Lighten up, you clueless attention whore.

But here's what REALLY gets my blood boiling--during a recent episode of the show, the cast was recruited to record a song that is supposedly going to be released (or unleashed) on the general public. Jordan and Flava Flav were tapped to write the tune (as Tiffany has NO writing
talent whatsoever), and she had the nerve to bitch about how they came up with a pop song.

"This isn't my passion!" she whined. "I hate pop music!" Then, she had the audacity to say that performing the song was "selling out" and it was an affront to her rock n' roll roots. Excuse me, stupid ass, but how was appearing on "American Idol" NOT selling out? Besides, it's impossible for you to sell out--you need integrity to do that, and you never had any in the first place.

I know how cruel my opinion of Tiffany is, so in all fairness I decided to try and find a positive angle about her. After a long while, I finally came up with something--during an early chapter of the series, Jordan Knight was trying to put the moves on her. She responded as such:

TIFFANY: "Why are you flirting with me?"

JORDAN: "I'm not flirting with you."

TIFFANY: "You're asking me if I 'like' you. I would be so pissed off if I was your girlfriend."

JORDAN: "So, you wanna go get in the jacuzzi?"

TIFFANY: "No!"

The ONLY reason why I appreciated this exchange is because I enjoyed seeing Jordan Knight get shot down by a chick. Maybe it's my bitterness rearing its ugly head again, but I REALLY enjoyed watching Jordan get the cold shoulder--you know damn well that he hasn't experienced nearly enough of that in his life. Call me shallow, but it really warmed my heart. Otherwise, "Ryan Starr" can suck a big dick and choke on it. Stupid bitch.

*Ahem*

FLAVA FLAV
Ahhh Flav, God bless you. Were it not for you, this season of "The Surreal Life" would be damn near unwatchable. I fucking love this guy--I mean, who else could get away with wearing a viking hat in public while constantly referring to himself in the third person? And I was overjoyed to see that he's still wearing giant clocks around his neck 24 hours a day (including clocks bearing his own likeness). What balls this dude has! The man is a hoot to watch--and if I had to make a comparison, I'd say Flava Flav is to this season what Ron Jeremy was to the last one... and THAT is a compliment, believe me.

Maybe I don't understand why he wants to bang Brigitte Nielson, but hey, we all have our own tastes. And Flava Flav is a pleasant reminder of the glory days of rap, back when it actually MEANT something. These days, it's all about the money, bitches and the "bling." In Flav's day, they were talking about real issues. Sure, to him I'm nothing more than a "honkey devil"--but man, you gotta love "Public Enemy." Rock on, my niggaz!

While I can't recommend this season of "The Surreal Life" as a whole, it's worth checking out for Flav alone. Besides, it's bound to be better next season. Hell, if "Ryan Starr" can be considered a celebrity, so can I. Look for me next year, starring alongside Corey Haim and Kelly Clarkston.

Hear that, Vh-1? Give me a call, you bastards!

-JTL

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