That's right, you heard me correctly. I fucking hate "the Donald," or whatever the fuck people call his goofy-looking ass. I hate that smug, "I'm better than you" smile he always has plastered across his face. I hate those huge, tacky skyscrapers he owns, adorned with huge letters that spell out "TRUMP." (Fucking egomaniac.) I hate the fact that young, hot women continue to marry him, even though I've seen better hairstyles on goat scrotums. Yeah, yeah, I know it's become a cliche to rip on Trump's hair, but that doesn't mean the ripping isn't warranted. For Christ's sake, if you can afford a solid gold toilet for your home, surely you can afford a decent hair stylist. You aren't fooling anybody with that pathetic comb-over, dickbag.

I'm sure a lot of you think I hate Trump because he's probably lost more money in his sofa cushions than I'll ever make during my lifetime. Yes, I'll admit that I'm a little bitter about that--but his obscene wealth isn't the main reason I'd like to shove a few lit M-80s up his arrogant ass. In all fairness to me, there's plenty of filthy rich people that I don't hate. I don't even hate Bill Gates, although I'm pretty sure he's the antichrist. I don't hate Keanu Reeves either, even though I've never been able to figure out why certain obviously retarded people think he's a good actor--shit, porno acting looks Oscar-worthy next to some of Reeve's "performances." (Notice the quotes there.)

So, why do I hate him, you ask? I don't know, I just do. I can think irrationally if I want to, man--it's not just a woman's prerogative. I mean, Trump has never done anything to me personally, but there are certain people in this world that you're going to hate, plain and simple. There doesn't even have to be a particular reason for it; you just can't stand the fuckers from the word "go."

When I was growing up, a kid moved in the house down the street from me. His name was Dan, and it took me all of three seconds to figure out that I hated the boy. And the feeling was mutual, too--every time we passed each other on the street, we'd  exchange evil looks without ever saying a word. It didn't help that his house was directly next to my bus stop, and during the freezing Michigan winters he used to drink hot chocolate from inside his nice, warm house while the rest of us froze our asses off outside. When the bus came, he'd walk ten feet from his front door and get directly on the bus. For that fact alone, I wanted to pummel him. I'd just look at his face and get this insane urge to beat him until my fists were bloody, or until the police dragged me away in cuffs. And as the years passed, no love was lost between us. He started telling people that he wanted to fight me--and, in turn, I'd respond by saying I'd whip his pansy ass anytime he felt ready. The fight never happened, though, and I haven't seen the guy in over ten years. Still, just the other day this girl I know got an e-mail from him--and when she told me about it, my face darkened,  my eyebrows furrowed and I said "Dan? I remember Dan. I don't like Dan."

See, THAT'S the way I feel about Trump. The mere mention of his name makes me want to turn to the nearest person, tap them on the shoulder, and punch them directly in the face.   It was bad enough when he was just a real estate mogul, but since The Apprentice took off, Trump has this ridiculous idea that he's a viable Hollywood celebrity. I really wish people would stop watching that fucking show; I mean, if Trump's head gets any bigger it will be visible from space. I wouldn't know anything about that damn show, however, because I refuse to watch it. Fuck that, I'd rather watch a 12 hour marathon of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. (*shudder*)
There ain't gonna be any "queer eyes" for THIS straight guy, people. I'm a dumpy slob with no sense of "style" whatsoever, and you know what? I LIKE it that way.

If any further proof was needed to show that Trump is an egomaniacal asshole, how about the fact that he actually tried to trademark his "You're fired" catchphrase? Yeah, right--if that were the case, most of my former bosses would owe him royalties. (People like to fire me for some strange reason... go figure.) How fucking stupid is that, anyway? I'll tell you how stupid it is... it's almost as stupid as when Paris Hilton tried to trademark "That's hot." My God, there's another waste of oxygen... fucking Paris "I-have-an-IQ-lower-than-room-temperature" Hilton, who currently has my personal vote for "The Most Useless Human Being Alive Today." Yeah, she'd be saying "that's hot" when I took a lit blowtorch to her vacant face and left it a charred, blackened mess. Then I'd heave her still-smoldering body and her obnoxious little dog into a wood chipper, Fargo style.

Okay, okay... so that's a little too extreme. I really wouldn't go THAT far. I see no need for a blowtorch... the wood chipper would be just fine on its own. And then I'd... wait a second... I was so busy choking on my own fury just now that I lost my train of thought. What was I raving about again...? Oh yeah, that annoying windbag Trump.

Just the other day, I was reading an article about how Trump is offering to renovate the UN building. It's badly in need of renovations, you see, and Donald feels he can do it "quicker" and "better" than anybody else. He's willing to pay for it himself, he says, so that the UN can concentrate their efforts on fighting famine and AIDS (but not terrorism, apparently). Awww, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. All this time I thought Trump was nothing more than a wealthy, womanizing prick; but it turns out that he's a humanitarian at heart. He even offered to keep those pesky contractors in check, and was quoted as saying "We have major slime in New York and much of it is in the form of contractors, and every one I guarantee you will find their way to the United Nations." And I'm reading through this bullshit, thinking to myself "Gee, Donald, are these the same contractors that you hire to build your obnoxious, gaudy hotels?" Call me cynical if you must, but I am of the opinion that Trump has an ulterior motive in this apparently selfless move. Is he thinking that rebuilding the UN building will give him access to more power, perhaps? More influence on world affairs? Who knows, but I'll tell you this much--if he's allowed to slap a big TRUMP logo on the UN building, I will officially lose all faith in world government. I mean, think about it... Donald Trump Presents The United Nations.
My hands start sweating at the very thought of it.

You're fired, douchebag.

-JTL

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