It's July already, in a summer which should have seen another Stanley Cup celebration here in Detroit. But my beloved Red Wings got spanked by the Mighty Ducks in FOUR STRAIGHT GAMES, eliminating them from the NHL playoffs in the measly first round. Excuse me, but the fucking Mighty Ducks?? There's something seriously wrong here. And me, along with thousands of hockey fans all over the area sat there in disbelief with our half-empty beers cans crying "what the fuck was THAT????" Man oh man, what a gyp. Now my Yzerman jersey goes back into the closet until October, dammit...

Yeah, maybe I sound a little bitter. But in my defense, I've ALWAYS been bitter. I mean, it's not like I'm getting laid on a regular basis over here. Red Wings playoff games are one of the only positive things about my pathetic life.

I know that lots of you hockey fans just LOVED to watch the mighty Wings bite it so early, especially with all the bitching about how they "bought" the Cup last season. That's such a crock of shit. Professional sports is always going to be about the "haves" and the "have-nots".
Besides, we have the worst team in baseball with the Tigers and you don't hear us bitching about, say, the Yankees. And let's face it, the Lions ain't no picnic, either. Let us have our hockey team--and blow it out your asses with that "bought the cup" bullshit.

Getting on with the column...

JEREMY THE LONER AND THE U-SCAN

I went grocery shopping earlier today, which is something I do two or three times a week. As a bachelor, I usually only buy a few things at a time. You know, essential items such as deodorant, cat litter and Pop Tarts. And then when I get back home, I suddenly remember ten things I needed to buy and forgot about--so I have to make another trip back to the store. This ritual is repeated several times throughout the week. I guess I could make a shopping list, but as a man I can't be bothered. I also don't clip coupons or anything like that, either... cutting coupons is strictly for moms and homos. Anyway, when I go shopping I love to use the U-Scan registers. I think these things are the greatest invention ever--I can scan and bag my own groceries without having to deal with some ditzy cashier. Better still, I can be in and out of the store in five minutes with absolutely no human interaction whatsoever. This appeals to me, because I hate people for the most part and avoid them whenever possible. There's also a privacy thing going on, too--sometimes you might go into the store simply to buy beer, peanuts, condoms and a box of Ho-Ho's... and I don't know about you, but I don't need any strange looks from the cashier. For anti-social assholes like me, it's the perfect way to shop.

I liked it in the beginning when hardly anybody else used the U-Scans. I never had to wait in line behind a fat woman with a heaping cart of groceries and a screaming kid, holding things up wile she rooted through her purse for her checkbook and food stamps. Nope, I went in, got my shit and got out in a big hurry. Sadly, those days seem to be gone.

I've noticed it the last few times I went shopping and today was no exception... more and more people are starting to line up at the U-Scans in an attempt to save time. There's only one problem, however--MOST OF THEM ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO USE THE DAMN THINGS.

You should have seen it today... there I am, waiting in line behind an elderly man buying bagels and prune juice, watching him attempt to scan his purchases. He was apparently baffled by the onscreen instructions which read, plainly and dumbly, "PRESS HERE TO START". It seemed pretty self-explanatory to me, but the stupid old geezer was staring at the screen like it contained the world's hardest calculous problem. He also seemed to have trouble grasping the concept that the bar code was what he needed to scan... this became clear as I watched him swipe the same item forty-six times with the UPC code facing the opposite direction of the scanner. Finally, an employee had to come help him... and I'm standing there with my arms folded, teeth gritted and molten lava spewing forth from the top of my skull.

At another U-Scan terminal, I watched a middle-aged woman stare blankly at the payment option screen after she had scanned her items. She could choose CASH, CHECK, CREDIT CARD, ATM/DEBIT... but I guess all these choices were far too confusing for her, as she pressed the wrong option and kept us all waiting while the cashier cleared it out. This same woman had already spent a good five minutes trying to figure out how to ring up a head of lettuce, all to no avail. Just like the old man, she needed someone to help her dumb ass. You know, it's people like this that will make me drop dead of a heart attack before the age of forty.

When I finally got my turn, I scanned my items, bagged them, paid and left... all in under a minute. This is the way the U-Scan is SUPPOSED to work, people. If you're too stupid to follow
step-by-step onscreen instructions, go through a line with a cashier and spare the rest of us your profound ignorance. Life is hard enough without dealing with morons like you.

Man oh man, I'm looking forward to the day when internet grocery shopping catches on.
I might never have to leave the house again!