After an extended period of finding them mildly annoying, I've slowly started to hate the Osbourne family.

It isn't about merely being sick of them--that goes without saying. I was amused by the first season of "The Osbournes", but that amusement didn't last too long. I was hooked for maybe three episodes, mostly because Ozzy's drugged-out hijinks were hilarious. Once the public caught on to the show and started watching in droves, it killed all the fun for me. Sudden success has a way of destroying good television shows--just ask Mike Judge of "Beavis And Butt-Head" fame, whose show went quickly downhill once parents groups started bitching about its content. And when I saw the Osbourne family on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, I knew it was over for them, too. If millions of people suddenly start singing your praises, there's a good chance you're doing something really wrong.

Poor Ozzy... I can't blame this on him. The man has been a star for 30 years, so it's not like he was craving fame by being the star of his own reality show. Sharon clearly calls the shots in that family and she, much like the rest of her family, is nothing more than a publicity whore. I mean, really, who the fuck watches that stupid talk show of hers? Is it still even on the air? Or has it been banished to the 3am slot, where failed daytime shows go to die?

This family craves the limelight, though, and absolutely refuses to let it go. When the ratings for the TV show started dropping during the 2nd season, they came to the press with one tragic story after another. First, Sharon is diagnosed with colon cancer--which was a perfect excuse for Ozzy to start hitting the bottle again. (Ooooh, the pathos!) Then, Jack goes into rehab for a substance abuse problem. Gee, I guess that's what happens when you're forced to live a stressful life as the spoiled son of a rich rock star... poor baby! It really bothers me that this goofy-looking fuckhead probably gets all the tail he wants, just because he's Ozzy's son. Why couldn't MY old man be a rock star? He's a great guitarist, and God knows I wouldn't mind getting some tail I don't deserve, too.

More recently, Ozzy himself has been all over the press. Just last month, he came forward and claimed he'd been sexually abused as a child by two other boys who would wait for him every day after school. Apparently, they would pin him down and do "things" to him. Why he decided to go public with this information is beyond me. I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing about this, and I think I would have been better off. (Somehow, the thought of Ozzy being molested by two guys isn't all that appealing to me.) And why did he allow this to happen to him, anyway? Did it ever occur to him to try walking a different route home from school? How about carrying a baseball bat with him? A few swings of the bat would have solved the problem right away.

Not to be outdone, Sharon released a statement to the press claiming she cheated on Ozzy with Randy Rhodes. Poor Randy has been dead for about 20 years, but I'm pretty sure he was hoping this info would NEVER come out. I wouldn't be bragging about banging Sharon Osbourne, especially back then. She looked like Kelly, only fatter. And again, I found myself wondering why this information was made public in the first place... what purpose did it serve, other than to make Ozzy look bad and keep the Osbourne name in the papers?

Last, but not least, as I write this column the Osbournes are faced with yet another tragedy--Ozzy is laid up in the hospital after being seriously injured in an ATV accident. Now, if you're anything like me, I'm sure you're wondering why the words "Ozzy" and "ATV" should ever be mentioned in the same sentence. This is a guy who spends most of his time shuffling around his mansion, mumbling to himself and probably wondering where the hell he is--and they let him tool around on an ATV? No offense to Ozzy, but I wouldn't let him work a DVD player without supervision, much less operate a vehicle. Sounds to me like you're just asking for trouble in a situation like that...

But don't worry, though--just days after Ozzy was taken off a respirator and started breathing under his own power, Sharon announced to the press that Ozzy should be ready in time for this year's annual Ozzfest tour. Sure, no problem... I'm sure they'll just pump him full of painkillers and drag his groggy corpse from city to city. And his painful recovery should make excellent fodder for the TV show's 3rd season. The legendary frontman from "Black Sabbath" is now more of a sideshow freak than anything else. This is such bullshit--I actually like Ozzy and feel sorry for the guy. But he's starting to become a joke, and a bad one at that.

It makes me wonder why Kelly has gotten off so easy. Not only hasn't she had any major tragedies, her new duet with Ozzy recently hit #1 on the UK charts. (I like the Brits, but man, those people will listen to ANYTHING!) But I guess one could argue the fact that Kelly being an ugly, untalented cow who can't sing is tragic enough. Still, every time I look at this annoying broad I find myself gleefully thinking "You're next". The whole family is fucked up and it's time for a little tragedy for her, too. I hope it involves putting Kelly's big ass on an ATV and rolling her off a cliff...

Get well soon, Ozzy. You're the ONLY talented member of your family--please get the rest of
them off my TV screen and get back to doing what you do best. Whatever happened to that guy who used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid? I don't know, but you're not that guy anymore. That guy used to bite off the heads of doves and lick up Nikki Sixx's piss, not have dinner at the fucking White House.

-JTL

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