Am I the only man in America that doesn't give a rat's ass about Pamela Anderson? To hear some guys talk, she's the hottest woman who ever lived. Let's get real here... the bitch has more plastic in her than my mom's Dodge Neon. Not to mention her complete lack of charisma, her habit of blowing rock stars on various videotapes and those fleshy beach
balls that she calls tits. Here's a woman who ran off and married Tommy Lee (simply because of his giant drumstick") after a fucking FOUR DAY courtship, then had two kids with the dude before giving him the boot. These days, she whiles away the hours stripping for Kid Rock onstage--gee, what a fine parent. AND THIS IS A SEX SYMBOL? Sounds to me like any other white trash bimbo, except with more money.

Then, of course, we have two of the other "hot" young female stars, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Britney Spears. Ms. Hewitt has managed to make quite a career for herself, despite the fact that her only redeeming quality seems to be in showcasing her heaving, glistening cleavage in shitty horror movies. Ms. Spears, on the other hand, first made her name a household word by exposing her 17-year-old naval in those incredibly bad (and arousing) music videos. A hot body? No fucking doubt about it. But she sings like some zit-faced choir girl in a crappy high school talent show. I always watch her videos with the TV on mute.

I'll tell you something else that pisses me off about these girls: They both have breast implants! Let them deny it, but I don't believe a word of that shit. And I HATE fake tits. I can just hear all the guys reading this now... "WHO CARES?" Well, I'll tell you who cares. I DO! I've had the opportunity to feel up a woman with implants, and they felt like water balloons with nipples! If you're into that sort of thing, you don't even need women. All you need are some balloons, water and an active imagination. You can turn the lights off, stuff a few up your shirt and spend the evening feeling yourself up. You lonely bastard, you.

Don't get me wrong, I'd bang the hell out of any one of these chicks in a New York minute. But let's face facts... none of them could even carry Marilyn Monroe's jockstrap. Uh, I mean "bra." Ah, Marilyn... THAT'S A SEX SYMBOL! In those days, only the best of the best became stars (as opposed to any mindless skank with a nice ass and an agent). You want to see sexy? Watch a Rita Hayworth movie. Man, she was HOT. Or Judy Garland, before she went insane and became an idol to homosexual men everywhere. That's right... you want sex appeal, you gotta check out movies starring DEAD CHICKS.

Okay, it's not only dead chicks who are sexy. You can't live ALL your fantasies in the past. So, without any further ado, allow me to present:

JEREMY'S LIST OF SEXY WOMEN WHO ARE STILL ALIVE

NAME: June Cleaver
OCCUPATION: The mom on "Leave it to Beaver"
Don't you even think about laughing at me. A lot of sitcom moms are sexy as far as I'm concerned. Call it an Oedipus complex. As of late, I've become addicted to "Leave it to Beaver" reruns on TV Land. I'll tell you this... June Cleaver is the hottest sitcom mom of all time. I sit there and watch her clean the house and make breakfast with her high-heels and sensible dress (I'll squelch the urge to talk about her "pearl necklace") and I find myself getting strangely aroused. THAT'S THE WAY A WOMAN SHOULD BE. You know damn well that Ward Cleaver grabbed her every time Wally and the Beaver left the room. I can just imagine him leering over his newspaper and saying: "JUNE, WHY DON'T YOU PUT DOWN THAT VACUUM AND PARK YOUR PRETTY LITTLE ASS ON MY LAP?" Oh man, I'm getting jealous just thinking about life in the Cleaver house... hot meals, milk, cookies and blowjobs. I should be so lucky.

NAME: Marcia Brady
OCCUPATION: Greg's make-out buddy
If June Cleaver was the perfect sitcom mom, then Marcia Brady was the perfect sitcom sister. You think I'm going too far when I say "perfect?" Bullshit. Take a look at her huge, blue eyes, flaxen hair and flawless skin. She's the kind of woman that the Germans were trying to create in World War II. What a goddess! For me, the fifth season episodes of "The Brady Bunch" were every bit as sexually exciting as when me and my brother used to watch "Electric Blue" on the Playboy Channel. Marcia had taken to wearing miniskirts by then. Hell, Jan was looking pretty damn "bangable", too!

And you know what? I knew that Marcia had a thing with Greg LONG before his Brady book came out. You could just tell by the way they looked at each other. Man, I was pretty fucking jealous. What was so special about Greg??? That smiling, bell-bottomed, bushy haired bastard! (Not that I have any room to talk... on a slightly humid day, my own hair does a little Greg Brady tribute). The only cool thing about Greg was the clothes he wore. His pants KICKED ASS.

Back to Marcia... she's still one hell of a sexy babe, but now she's married. She's a mom. She's in her 40's. She probably goes to her daughter's dance recitals and yells at her husband when her monthly cycle kicks in. God, I hate the fact the fact that I was born in 1974. I missed out on everything cool.

NAME: Tiffany
OCCUPATION: A KeyholeCAMS internet chick
You won't find Tiffany on TV or in any old movies. She's one of those internet babes that has her own webcam (helpfully called "TiffanyCAM"). She's also the only woman on my list who knows I'm alive, although I have no idea what her "real" name is or where she lives. Isn't that fucked up? Anyway, I know most of you have heard about webcams, but if you haven't allow me to give a short explanation:

See, these girls hook up cameras to their computers that take LIVE pictures of them every few seconds... these pictures are then seen by thousands of lonely men (and some lesbians), who make an evening out of jerking off while watching perfect strangers do naughty things. This is a beautiful thing. These girls are fucking SAINTS, because they put on little internet strip shows that make my dateless nights just fly right by. Get me a six pack of Molson Ice, some Taco Bell and TiffanyCAM and I'm happy as a pig in shit.

Call me biased, but I love this concept. It's great to be a Peeping Tom (legally, for a change)! There weren't any webcams in the 50's, so I've never seen June Cleaver naked (except for in my perverted mind). Anway, hats off to you, Tiffany, one of the sexiest women on the net and the reason my keyboard sticks.

Just kidding. My keyboard sticks because it's a cheap piece of shit.

NAME: Ariel
OCCUPATION: The Little Mermaid
Okay, so technically she's a cartoon. But hey, if guys can fantasize about Lara Croft I'm entitled to a little leeway here. To hell with Daryl Hannah in "Splash"! Let me see under those seashells, Ariel! I'll be King Neptune and you can come play with my magic sceptor.

Um... I'm gonna move on now. And in case you were wondering, yes, I DO need to get out more often.

NAME: Jenteal
OCCUPATION: Porn star

If it came down to it, I'd never be able to go through with having sex with her. She's a pro, so she'd probably think I was terrible in bed. That's why you can't go wrong with a nice, innocent virgin... not because of the macho "I wanna de-flower that bitch" attitude, but because a virgin won't tell you suck in bed. A VIRGIN DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! She'll just go away from the experience thinking that it's natural for a man to blow his load after thirty seconds.

Jenteal is really hot in a dirty sort of way, and she's natural. No implants (you gotta love that). She's the only porn star that will motivate me to saunter into the adult section of the video store, despite my extreme embarrassment. Yes, there inside the adult section you'll find me, several Asian guys, and Jenteal videos on every shelf. Those Asian guys are porn fanatics. If you're ever in line behind one at the video store, take a look at the tapes he's renting. I'll bet you anything you'll see nothing but pornos. Those poor assholes, their wives must NEVER put out for them.

But that JenteaI gets me hot. I've seen all of her movies and I hope she keeps 'em coming for years to come (pardon the expression). And I hope she doesn't get AIDS....

Well, it's off to bed, where visions of June Cleaver and Tiffany dance through my head. Hmmm, June Cleaver and Tiffany? Sounds like a pretty kinky fantasy...

Thank God I have a good imagination.