As far as female celebrities go, it seems that Jessica Simpson has officially taken the crown of flavor of the month. She's supposedly the front-runner to play Daisy Duke in the upcoming (and COMPLETELY unnecessary) film version of "The Dukes of Hazzard". Plus, she's all over the tube these days, what with her failed ABC sitcom and countless TV commercials--where she plays up and makes fun of her "dumb bimbo" image. Well, let me tell you something... the ditzy airheard thing she portrays isn't just a schtick. It's the real deal.

Okay, so maybe picking on Jessica is a little too easy. After all, she did think that "Chicken Of The Sea" tuna was actually some sort of rare aquatic chicken. I guess some people find her stupidity charming in its own way. Even here on Dean's Planet, Jessica has become the official resident hottie, a title once held by fellow idiot Britney Spears. I made it a point to check out Dean's Top 10 Favorite Jessica Pics gallery and I will begrudgingly admit that she's pretty hot and she's got a great rack--HOWEVER, one look into those big, vacant eyes of hers had me thinking one thought, and one thought only; "Nobody's home." Call me a prick if you must, but I am of the opinion that this broad has an IQ lower than an amoeba.

Now, I realize that when Jessica married Nick he became one of the most envied men in America. In some ways I can see why... I mean she IS rich and she does have a smokin' body. But think about this for a moment--while I can understand why a guy would want to bang this chick into tomorrow, can you imagine actually being married to her? The hot, monkey sex newlywed thing can carry a relationship a year or two, but sooner or later you might want to have an intelligent conversation with your spouse. I have a sneaking suspicion that Jessica wouldn't be up for such a task. (Unless your idea of an "intelligent conversation" is fretting over what shoes to wear with your designer dress.) So I'm guessing that unless Nick is a complete moron, too, he's going to eventually grow weary of her whole "dumb blonde" routine. The old saying goes like this; "Show me the hottest woman in the world and I'll show a guy who's sick and tired of fucking her."

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not at all attracted to stupid women. To some guys, Jessica's lack of working brain cells would make her the ideal catch. After all, as men we like to be in control of our personal relationships--and it would stand to reason that dumb broads like Jessica and Britney would be fairly easy to manipulate. I mean, seriously, how else do you think that a fucking loser like Fred Durst got to bang Britney? Do you think it was his sparkling personality? Fat chance.

And I guess that's probably the point. Men are natural predators, and ditzy chicks are looked upon as easy prey. We gaze longingly at them and think "She's so stupid, I just might be able to trick her into fucking me." This tactic wouldn't work for me, though. Aside from having no money and a junky car, I'm far too goofy-looking to pull off such a maneuver. Even a dullard like Jessica wouldn't be dumb enough to go to bed with me. But I digress...

I felt much the same way when the Paris Hilton sex tapes began making the rounds on the internet. I hadn't paid much attention to her up until that point, and I sure as hell didn't watch "The Simple Life". As it turns out, her infamous sex tape came out right around the same time her TV show was getting ready to debut. You know, there was a time when such a tape would have been damaging to a star's career. But once America got a load (pardon the pun) of Paris blowing cock like a pro, it actually helped her career take off! Why is this? It's not like this woman has even a shred of any useful talents aside from giving blowjobs. (Which is perfectly fine if you're a porn star by profession, which she isn't.) And maybe it's just me, but personally, I don't even think she's that hot. She's way too skinny and she looks coked out of her mind most of the time.

And it isn't like she has a great personality, either. Check out any episode of the E! network's "Celebrities Uncensored" and you'll see at least five clips of Paris posing on various red carpets, responding to papparazzi comments on how gorgeous she looks by demurely saying "I know." What an arrogant, dumb bitch. Call me a homo if you want to, but personally I'd get much more satisfaction out of repeatedly pounding her face into a cement wall than I would from fucking her. This broad's had EVERYTHING handed to her on a silver platter for her entire life-- and
I'd like to be the one to finally introduce her to a little adversity, Jeremy the Loner style.

Although I must say my distaste for Jessica, Britney and Paris pales in comparison next to my utter hatred of yet another brain dead diva, Anna Nicole Smith. It's hard to put into words just how much I can't stand this woman. I used to occasionally watch her reality show, but I stopped watching when I realized it was sending my blood pressure through the roof. This broad is not only dumber than a box of rocks, she has possibly the most grating personality I've ever seen. She's so drugged up that you can't ever understand what the fuck she's saying half the time--and I don't give a shit what anybody says, when you take away the five pounds of makeup on her face and those basketball-sized implants she had put into her chest, she looks like any other white trash chick you might find at a sleazy dive. Why, in the name of all that's sacred, is this woman a star? As far as I can tell, her ONLY talent was in finding an ancient, wealthy geezer that was even dumber than her. (If that's possible.) This guy was so senile, he actually believed that Anna loved him and married him for reasons other than his money. Anybody who's THAT stupid has no business having money in the first place, if you ask me.

But that's precisely the problem--nobody bothered to ask me, and as a result we've become a culture that rewards people for entirely the wrong reasons. It's no longer about intelligence and talent, it's about good looks and shallowness. Which is fucked up, to be sure. But make no
mistake about it, were it up to me, people like Paris Hilton would be yanked from their lofty pedestals and given a huge dose of cold, hard reality. And I'll tell you something else... I'd force the bitch to buy all her clothes at Wal-Mart, too.

-JTL

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