Lousy. Fucking. Weekend.

Well, it was. It was bad enough having to work most of the weekend, despite hardly sleeping at ALL. And don't even get me started on Saturday night... it was a horrible evening topped off by a lousy meal of burned fries and chicken strips, with some overpriced beer thrown in for good measure. (And Red Robin usually has decent food, too.) Sadly, the shitty meal was actually the fucking highlight of the night. What a total fiasco.

Actually, I should clarify something a bit. The weekend wasn't all bad. On Sunday, I stayed home, watched Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back and ate horribly unhealthy snacks, so that was, you know, pretty cool. I suppose I could have done something more productive with my time, like write a column or maybe make a half-hearted attempt to clean this dump. But I just wanted to sit around and feel sorry for myself, so that's exactly what I did. We're all entitled to a little of that sometimes. I just sat here, curtains drawn, candles lit, stubble on my face... but I'm feeling a bit better now. Ready to face the world again, however begrudgingly.

Never thought I'd be looking forward to a Monday, but here we are...

Holiday Cheer

I thought this was supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year," but people seem to be far from jolly as the holidays approach.

Despite the CONSTANT barrage of Christmas music that can be heard everywhere I go, the stores don't seem particularly busy. Maybe other people are finally getting tired of this shit, too. I think more and more people are doing their shopping online, as well as doing the whole, "Fuck it, I'll just get her a gift card" thing. I'm really sick of hearing how greedy retailers are trying to separate people from their money--especially since at the end of every holiday season, they bitch about how sales were "below expectations." Boo-fucking-hoo. The economy sucks, and I really could give a fuck if Wal-Mart makes only 50 billion in profits, as opposed to 40 billion.

People are even cranky at the grocery stores. I was trying to make my way to the checkout counter the other day, but was head off by a huge mass of slack-jawed morons who'd formed a haphazard "line" at the U-Scan. Normally I use the U-Scan too, but decided against it that night. The line was too long, plus most people are too fucking stupid to operate them, so they spend approximately 45 minutes trying to ring up and bag their six items.

So, I'm trying to get past the mob scene at the U-Scan and over to a manned register when this 60-something guy suddenly decides I'm trying to cut into line in front of him and his frumpy wife. "Excuse me there, chief, but what do you think you're doing? We're waiting in line here."

Maybe he was trying to assert his fading manhood in front of his wife... who knows? Either way, I turned to him and said, "Um... good for you, gramps. I'm trying to get over to the other register."

"Oh," he says, eyeing me suspiciously.

Suddenly, red hot rage boiled over from my stomach and into my face. "Oh!" I said back at him. "Is that okay with you???"

"I don't care what you do!" he sputters back, and then quickly avoids any further eye contact. I guess he didn't want to deal with a man half his age and twice his size, especially one who clearly thought he was an idiot.

I should stock up an plenty of can goods, frozen stuff and non-perishable items so I can avoid grocery shopping for the rest of the year. In fact, if I had my way I'd go into hibernation... just like a bear. Wouldn't it be great to just go to sleep and wake up when all this bullshit is over?

HO! HO! HO!

On The Set

Will this show actually come together and be good? I don't know, but you have to admit at least one thing... that leg lamp kicks major ass.

One Week

People seem to think it's funny how somebody who hates Christmas would be appearing in a stage production of A Christmas Story.


Maybe it is funny in a way. But only the "adult" part of me hates Christmas, you know. There's still a lot of "kid" in me that remembers how the season used to be, and that's the thing that's been getting me through rehearsals since October. Much like Ralphie Parker once coveted a Red Ryder B.B. gun more than anything, I once longed for a ColecoVision video game system... a very expensive, hard-to-get present in 1982, similar to a PS3 in today's terms. And much like Ralphie, I had opened up what I thought were the last of my presents that morning only to have to my dad come up from the basement holding a ColecoVision in his arms. The scene where Ralphie gets his B.B. gun is actually very similar to what happened in my real life some 24 years ago. I try to remember that when I'm playing "The Old Man" on stage. Sometimes, even MY dad wasn't a complete prick.

The show actually opens one week from tonight and it's finally starting to come together. The set, which has been slowly hobbled together by a small group of dedicated people, is actually starting to look like a real set. The props are finally trickling in, including the Red Ryder B.B. gun and the leg lamp. That's not to say the show is ready to go, because it isn't... not by a LONG way. We've still got a long week of dress rehearsals in front of us, where things will (supposedly) come together and become a cohesive show.

I take my script to work with me every day, and I use my break periods to go over the lines. I don't NEED to do this, as I've had my lines committed to memory for several weeks now, but it's better than making small talk with my co-workers. People tend to leave you alone when you look as if you're deep in thought. Some of my co-workers are curious about it and ask questions... but most of them have no idea what I'm doing, and I got more than a few strange looks when people saw me reading A Christmas Story on a day like, say, October 11th. But you know, I'll be happy when this thing is over in a few weeks. I'd kind of like to have my life back, such as it is. And I've been neglecting my Dean's Planet duties for far too long. I mean, seriously, I haven't written a new column since that Mandy Lynn interview. But I'll remedy that soon enough...

Is anybody even still reading this blog?

Constant Christmas Music Is Hammering Away At My Will To Live

Arrrrraaaagggghhhhhh!!!

This has been going on since the middle of November; The music service at work suddenly decided to switch over from the bland, pleasantly non-offensive soft rock they normally play to Christmas music... and I mean NOTHING but Christmas music... all fucking day. I'm about ready to start savagely tearing people's throats out with my teeth.

There are what, approximately 40 trillion Christmas songs in the world, right? And of ALL these fucking odes to rampant consumerism and greed, I like maybe five of them. I dig McCartney's Wonderful Christmastime, for example. And you can't go wrong with Lennon's Happy X-Mas (War Is Over) either. But if I have to hear another shitty version of A Very Special Christmas or Baby, It's Cold Outside, I'm going to go fucking postal... BIG time.

You know what's worse? My dad (who up until fairly recently I assumed had a set of testicles) absolutely LOVES the shit. I was in the car with him last year and he had some Christmas bullshit playing on the stereo. "Let's turn this shit off," I groused, reaching for the channel changer. "No, I like having this on," he says, stopping me. "I like Christmas songs. It really gets me into the season." I literally did a double take. "Say WHAT???" I even tried to look for a telltale lobotomy scar on his head at that point, but his hair is awfully thick. I don't know, I guess that's what happens when you get older. My dad USED to be into Black Sabbath... now he jams "Smooth Jazz" on the radio, which is best described as "Weather Channel Music." "Listen to that," he says as he's playing it on the radio, "You can really hear the individual instruments." Meanwhile, all I can think of when it's playing is, "Partly cloudy skies today, high of 47 degrees..." If I EVER start jamming to the shit they play on The Weather Channel, I'll know I'm getting old.

But no matter what happens, I'll never like Christmas music. Not ever. Fuck Christmas music. And while we're at it, fuck Christmas, too.

Welcome To My Nightmare...

Website Counters

Blue Thanksgiving

Come tomorrow, I will be spending Thanksgiving alone.


It's nothing personal. It's just that my mother is going to her in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner, as is my brother. So I guess that means I have nowhere to go tomorrow. My mom feels really bad about it, I think. We went out to dinner last night and she kept apologizing. Honestly, I'm not that concerned about it. The best thing about Thanksgiving is the leftovers, so that's the only thing I'm really going to miss. Besides, it's fitting that Jeremy the Loner spends a holiday alone, wouldn't you agree? So don't feel too bad for me. I guess I can live without three pounds of leftover turkey.

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE...

The great Sea-Monkey experiment has finally come to an end, as the sole brine shrimp survivor finally croaked the other night. The colony was SUPPOSED to be able to sustain itself for two years... but you know, I have a very hard time keeping aquatic animals alive. Years ago, I had a fish tank in my apartment that my brother gave to me. I bought filters for it, cleaned it up really nice, fed the fish properly... yet nothing seemed to live in there for very long. My friends began jokingly referring to the aquarium as "The Death Tank." The joke was that I'd come home one day and find one of my cats floating belly up in the water, as yet another one of the death tank's many, many victims. The only thing that seemed to thrive in there was the algea eater, which grew to monstrous, almost frightening proportions.
But now, all of my Sea-Monkeys are gone, too. I guess they all slaughtered one another, rather than face a life spent in the gloomy, lonely hellhole that is my bedroom. "The Death Tank" is alive and well for a new generation. I guess I can't do anything right, can I?

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Eat plenty of stuffing for me, will you???

Oh Father

"It's funny that way
You can get used to the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself

Seems like yesterday
I laid down next to your boots and I prayed
For your anger to end
Oh Father, I have sinned

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself

Oh Father
If you never wanted to live that way
If you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?
Oh Father
If you never wanted to live that way
If you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?

Maybe someday
When I look back, I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you, too

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself..."