Best 5 minutes: Sacha Baron Cohen's (Ali G) alter ego Borat came out and make a couple REAL jokes. The majority of the idiot MTV audience didn't know what to make of him. Did they think he was a real person as do Borat's interview subjects on the Ali G show? Even Yahoo identifies him as "Comedian Borat Sagdiyev". He then introduced some crappy band (Gnarls Barkley) who sang a 70's soul, Stevie Wonder ripoff song, BUT the best part was that they were dressed in various Star Wars gear. The lead singer dude was Vader, X-Wing fighter pilots were the background singers, Imperial Officers were background musicians, Jango & a Jedi were on the keyboards, Chewy was hittin' the skins and a Stormtrooper was playing gee-tar.

Biggest joke of the night: Without a doubt the lamest part of the awards show was Brokeback losers Jake Gyllenhaal and Heather Ledger winning the award for Best Kiss. Jake came up on stage and basically said that people voted for them and their kiss because they are accepting of gays and their struggle in society to openly love each other and show affection. I got news for him, the cretans who voted, all of which done by the fans, was a joke. I can just imagine the mass MTV kiddies thinking how funny it will be for the two guys who kiss to win the award. That's why they won, not because there is some kind of gay revolution going on. The same theory holds true for Jake's win for "Best Performance.

Hottest little piece of ass: There seemed to be a lack of hotties this year. Jessica Alba was looking good in some of her dresses and my girl Jessica Simpson looked great, but neither really wowed me. The only broad who was able to conjure up some blood flow was Aussie Isla Fisher, the psycho from Wedding Crashers (won "Breakthrough Performance" award). When she was on stage, her top was so low cut, I felt something "breaking through" my khaki shorts. And her accent, mmm. Think Nicole Kidman but younger, hotter, stacked and minus all the extra forehead. I have to give Anna Faris and Amanda Bynes honorable mention though. I not a big fan of either but all that blonde on stage in black did something for me.

Most awkward moment: Jessica Alba won the award for Sexiest Performance. She grabbed her popcorn statue and promptly thanked all the "perverts who voted for me". We think a little highly of ourselves don't we Jessica? Does she think people see her movies for her acting talents? She is eye candy, a piece of ass, that's it. We certainly wont be seeing her in any comedic roles if this hosting gig was any indication of her range. My advice to this broad? Stick to flicks where you get half naked, oh and keep going to the beach so paparazzis can get half nude shots of you in a bikini!

Biggest mistake of the night: Jessica Simpson and her new supposed boyfriend Dane Cook came on stage to introduce a musical act. Dane said that the "next band will knock you balls off"! Then he changed it to "Knock your taints off", thanks to Jessica commenting that not everyone watching has balls. Get it. Now that's comedy. The mistake I'm talking about is the fact that Jessica is dating this douche, this was his big chance to be funny and make millions of people laugh but all he could come up with was a taint joke. That taint gonna cut it. Jessica, drop that zero and get with this hero.

Biggest loser of the night: It has to be Jamie Fox. He came out on stage with Colin Farrell and couldn't stop shameless promoting his future box office bomb Miami Vice. With mic in hand, he thought he was a rapper, saying shit like, "what's up Ludacris" and asked the crowd the question, "who likes to fight, I think I'm gonna end up fighting someone tonight". Jamie, douchebag, you are a horrible actor, and even worse singer and I would bet my house that you cannot scrap a lick. I will have to give it to him though, he did make me laugh once. He said hi to Jessica Simpson or whatever then said, " Just kidding Jessica, don't get Nick after me".

Lame attempt at being sexy: X-women Famke Janssen and Rebecca Romijn were presenting an award and they made a joke about how they are going to show how they got into costume for the latest flick. They proceeded to take their dresses off but were stopped by the show's producer. How lame. And honestly, I don't need to see either one of them nude, Famke is 50 years old and I have seen Rebecca in a couple flicks half naked, I'm not impressed.

And last but not least,

Gayest moment: Take Marilyn Manson at his gayest and then multiply that by 100. No, wait, take David Bowie at his most endogenous stage, take away that fact that he had sex with Iman, focusing more on the fact that he took Mick Jaggers cock up his Ziggy Stardust and there you have the lead singer of AFI. I have heard rappers with more talent than this guy. I think this band should be called BSL, Buy Singing Lessons. And what's with his heavy metal, Pantera-like scream. He goes gay voice then scream, then gay voice again. If this is what youngsters think rock music is all about, they are way trapped into their little MySpace world and they need let out ASAP.