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| Columns / Mark My Words |
| Top
5 Movies I Should Not Have See At Age 9 |
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#5
National Lampoon's Vacation
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I
was young, but I knew a hottie when I saw one and this movie
brought two of them together!! I remember the moment I saw
Christie Brinkley, her golden hair blowing in the wind and
her infamous skinny dipping scene. I kept watching the
movie over and over again, trying to get a clear look at Brinkley's
naked & perfectly tanned body. And now with DVD technology,
I am closer than ever to achieving that goal. While Christie
never actually anything, Beverly
D'Angelo left nothing to the imagination with her shower
scene, and for that I thank her.
Parts I really remember: That old bag eating
the piss soaked sandwich, the meatless sloppy Joes & "Russ"
stabbing his brain.
What I learned: While cross country trips sound like
they could be a lot of fun, they usually end up a nightmare. |
#4
Porky's
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Sticking
penises through holes in the girl's shower, Meat face-first
in the oatmeal, a young Kim Catrall (Lassie); even at age
9, I realized that this movie had it all.
Parts I really remember: When Pee Wee was at Porky's
and a stripper charged him 2 bucks to see her rack.
I thought to myself, isn't this a strip club? Shouldn't
she be nude or at least topless already?
What I learned: Most owners of strip clubs are fat,
smelly old men. |
#3
Blame It On Rio
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There
were many key points I took notice to as a youngster watching
this movie. The fact that Michael Cane's character banged
Michelle Johnson's character, gave me a real sense of hope
for my future with women. However, Michelle's acting in this
movie makes Paulie Shore look like Lawrence
Olivier. It was almost like she was reading
her lines from cue cards.
Parts I really remember: The first topless beach
scene, Jennifer seducing "Uncle Matthew" after a
wedding on the beach and most of all, Jennifer's totally nude
self-polaroid session.
What I learned: This movie taught me absolutely
nothing. |
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#2
The Road Warrior
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Mindless
violence, rape & vengeance: this is not exactly the recipe
of a movie that a child under 16 should watch. Lord Humongous
freaked me out and the mohawked freak gave me nightmares,
but this didn't stop me from watching it over and over again.
Parts I really remember: That
mohawk dude's boyfriend getting boomeranged in the head, the
one guy who tried to catch the boomerang and got his hand
chopped off, well that's about it. I guess I'm just
obsessed with the boomerang.
What I learned: There are some really bad people
out there... |
#1
The Exorcist
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Watching
this movie at age 9 was just a bad idea. I was allowed to
watch horror flicks because I could always use the "look
away" technique when I got scared. Well, lets just
say that it didn't really work with this flick. And the fact
that I had and older brother saying shit like, "Mark,
if my bed is shaking or if I am floating above my bed tonight,
wake me up". This is the same brother who also
had me believing he was also adopted.
Parts I really remember: The hurl, the head, the
cross...
What I learned: That you don't fuck with
the devil. |
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