So I’m channel surfing yesterday. I’m flipping around. There’s nothing on. Still flipping. Still nothing. Flip, flip, flip. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I stop when I notice the AMC logo in the bottom right corner of the screen. I take a look at the movie. There’s Bridget Fonda in a car talking to Bill Pullman. Wait a second! This is Lake Placid. What the fuck is this doing on a channel that’s only supposed to show American movie classics?

For those among you who never saw Lake Placid, please applaud yourselves for not watching this diabolical waste of celluloid. I’ll give you a quick summary to get you up to speed. Lake Placid is Jaws in a lake with an alligator instead of a shark. There are big computerized effects & instead
of Robert Shaw, you’re stuck with Betty White. Yes, that Betty White.

Flipping around some more later in the night, I come back to AMC. Now they’re showing Volcano. Yes, Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche & some big ass effects with no story to speak of. I looked up AMC’s schedule for tonight & I find Death Becomes Her & Addams Family Values.

So I start to think, what are AMC’s criteria for a classic American movie? Based on what I’ve seen, it looks like their idea of a classic American movie is any domestic film with lots of special effects. That’s great. Why not show the frozen turd that is The Day After Tomorrow? How about
Anaconda? Who among us isn’t entertained by 90 minutes of Ice Cube trying not to curse?

Well, I’m not.

When I think of great American cinema, none of the aforementioned films are on that list. I might sound like a movie snob but the only people who’ll think so are the same people who’ll think the 1998 Hollywood abomination of Godzilla was good. Discount DVD racks all over this country proves me right.

Let’s talk about great American films. I finally saw Dog Day Afternoon this weekend & it was fucking spectacular. Night Of The Living Dead was goddamned brilliant with its less-is-more production. If you want a classic movie with big budget effects, check out Dr Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters.

AMC is misleading. They claim to play classic American films but they don’t deliver. It’s like a radio station that advertises only the greatest American rock bands. But when you turn in you don’t get Aerosmith or Guns N’ Roses, you end up hearing The Bulletboys & Eve 6. It’s bullshit. It’s like MTV not playing videos.

Wait a second...

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