A lot of people enjoy Star Wars, my lady & close circle of friends among them.  I've enjoyed the Star Wars films myself.  But as I've gotten older, I've realized that Star Wars, while cinematically ground breaking is a really shitty story & George Lucas is a piss-poor filmmaker who isn't worth
the hype.

Let's look at it realistically you 30-something Jedi bitches.  George Lucas, unsure of Star Wars potential for success, licensed out the property on everything from action figures to Underoos in an attempt to cash in.  So as a generation of kids grew up with these characters on their TV & their
lunchbox, the seed of affection for this tale is simply 1 where the hero rescues a princess & beats the bad guy.  What child of single digit age wouldn't like that?

Star Wars isn't a very good movie.  Yeah, Lucas & his crew invented a lot of things that propelled movie-making effects into the future, to his credit, but the story & dialogue are shit.  I said it. Half of the characters are lifted from Akira Kurosawa's The Hidden Fortress.  Sure Darth Vader is a
badass, who'll choke a guy on his own snot, but in the original Star Wars, he's Peter Cushing's bitch.

The people who get Boba Fett tattooed on their taints make Star Wars better than it really is.  From Carrie Fisher's bad accent to Mark Hammil mourning Obi-Wan's death ("I can't believe he's gone." Why you crying? You just met the motherfucker yesterday!) It's 1 bad film.  But it made an ass-load of money.  So, naturally, the studio ordered up a sequel.

Which brings me to Empire Strikes Back, simply the best Star Wars movie in the saga.  Why was it the best?  Because George Lucas neither wrote nor directed it.  Empire was written by Leigh Brackett & Lawrence Kasdan & directed by Irvin Kersher.  All Lucas did was contribute the story.  Brackett & Kasdan put better words in the characters' mouths while Kersher's
direction added the tension to this dark film.  If this isn't enough proof that Lucas sucks donkey ass, I've got more.

Empire had the cliffhanger ending, which set up for Return Of The Jedi.  Since Empire mad a bucket-load of cash, not to mention action figures, Lucas is back as co-writer with Lawrence Kasdan.  Seeing that kids are his bread & butter, Lucas comes up with the kid-friendly & terribly annoying Ewoks.  Richard Marquand directs the action packed movie as the return of Lucas' bad
dialogue threatens to bring it all crashing down to the sewers. ("There's still good in him.  I can feel it" Don't tell me where you feel it).

While Empire had the cool revelation that Vader was Luke's father, Jedi revealed Luke & Leia were siblings... making us all retch.  I don't care what Lucas says now when he claims that he had the whole saga figured out from the beginning.  Brother/sister smooching isn't fucking cool.  If he
knew what would happen from day 1, the poster from Star Wars wouldn't feature Leia wrapped around Luke's knee gazing wantonly at his junk.  Here's our first plot hole big enough to drive a truck through.

So Lucas is called a genius, makes Howard The Duck (ahem) & lives off his rep for about a decade.  The Star Wars generation gets their parents to buy them every fucking toy there was so they know the names of every fucking character that was in the background & didn't say shit.  I don't know the name of Cloud City's janitor, but you fucks do.

In the late 90's, Lucas remastered & re-released his trilogy on VHS, which was cool.  But then he added new effects & "new" footage & put it all back into the theaters.  Cool as it is to see a film on the big screen, why make Luke scream like a bitch as he falls through Cloud City?  What the fuck was up with that musical number in Jedi?

The thing that got Jedi bitches frothing at the mouth was the announcement of a prequel trilogy, which would chronicle the rise, & fall of Anakin Skywalker.  OK, I'm all for getting the whole story.  I like Ewan McGregor.  I like Natalie Portman.  I'm all for intergalactic bad motherfucker Samuel L Jackson.  Darth Maul looked cool.

So why did Phantom Menace suck?

Because Lucas wrote & directed it, same as he would for Attach Of The Clones & Revenge Of The Sith.

With the new trilogy, you can see that Lucas doesn't give 2 tugs of a dead dog's cock about story, dialogue or making a good film as long as he can wank out as many special effects as he wants.  A director like Dario Argento clearly cares more about the visual of his films but he'll always get
somebody to write a good story for him if he doesn't want to do it. Lucas didn't care as he tossed continuity & good acting to the wind knowing that generation that grew up on his tale was now in the work force, making their own money that they'd be willing to part with when he popped his crappy film into the multiplex.

How many things sucked about The Phantom Menace?  There was Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar Binks, that pod race, Anakin's virgin birth, racially insensitive aliens& Darth Maul's death.  Plus the continuity error of when Obi Wan & Anakin met.  In Star Wars, Obi Wan tells Luke that his father was a great fighter pilot when they met, but he was actually some annoying ankle-biting runt.  George, give us some consistency, you lazy fucking millionaire!

Next was Attack Of The Clones, which was a better movie for several reasons.  Among those reasons are Yoda kicking ass, Jango Fett, Christopher Lee & that cool water planet with aliens that look like aliens.  But it still sucks because of Hayden Christiansen making Anakin Skywalker the whiniest bitch in the universe ("He's jealous of my power").  Lucas expects us to believe that this fucking crybaby grows up to become 1 of the most badass villains in movie history.  Wrong. You pissed n your formerly cool character.  I think you also killed Hayden's career because between his whining & your poor romantic dialogue I wanna slap the bastard everytime I see him.

Now let's talk continuity errors in this flick.  So Anakin's mother dies & in ghetto fashion, they bury her in the back yard.  You'd think that in the original trilogy that Luke would've mentioned playing with his toys as a young boy near grandma's grave.  Then there's C3PO chilling with Anakin's stepfather & stepbrother. He could've said something in the original about that place being familiar.  Uncle Owen could've said "Hey, I once had a gay droid that annoying."

So, finally Revenge Of The Sith came out this summer & nerds lined up for days to get tickets.  Oh, what a diabolical piece of shit that movie was.  For the "final" Star Wars movie the poor story telling, horrendous dialogue ("Hold me like you did on Naboo") & overabundance of effects hit it's peak.

Let me think if there was anything good about this movie.......................................
General Grievous & Yoda climbing a wookie. That's it.  It was bad from the beginning when Christopher Lee went out like a punk bitch.  From there it sinks further, in no particular order, Obi Wan rides to save the day on a koala/fish/mutant/bird, Natalie Portman cries a lot, Palpatine's face turns into a scrotum, Anakin whines some more.  I don't remember much else, as I really disliked this movie.

Let's get to the answer to the question we all had.  How was Lucas going to tie it all in with the original trilogy with all the dangling plot threads & continuity errors? He wiped C3PO's memory.  That's all.  That's worse storytelling than the bible.  Even R2D2 won't help him out by saying,
"Remember this sandy joint?"

The 2 worst parts of this movie had me laughing out loud in the theater.  To keep the twin babies safe from Vader they are split up.  Leia is given to Jimmy Smits.  Luke, on the other hand, is given to VADER'S ONLY LIVING RELATIVES!  Which is the first place anybody would look. Stromtroopers would say, "Yo, the kids over there by grandma's grave."

The funniest & stupidest part of this move came after Vader got his arms & legs cuts off along with getting torched by molten lava.  The Emperor puts him back together again with all kinds of cybernetic gadgets & a suit that he now has to live & crap in.  You get the shot from Vader's point of view as he looks through the mask.  Then you hear that familiar breathing.  The very next shot has the table standing upright & you see Vader's familiar suit complete with a cape. During all that stuff they did to save him they dressed him in a cape. Couldn't that have waited?  Was the Emperor going to mention, "By the way, while we were saving your ass, we gave you a cape. Like it?"

In closing, fuck George Lucas, fuck his pompous flawed saga & fuck people who put Jedi as their religion on the census.

R

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