NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: I don't know the name of the actor who played this nerd, nor do I need to.  I hated this fucking movie.  This is the kind of wet-handed mouth breather I'd beat the shit out of in high school for being an unevolved mess.  People that like this film are wrong.

KATHY GRIFFEN: Shut up you ugly, bug-eyed bitch!

TOM CRUISE: Yes, he's been in movies that I've enjoyed, but I have problems with religious zealots.  You're an actor.  You can't act.  You look confused in every movie & need a great cast to carry your short ass through the film.  But even when you're supposed to be talking about your new project you seem to always turn the conversation to your alien faith & how it's the only thing that can save us.  I don't need saving.  You're as annoying as a Jehovah's Witness.  At least their deity came to earth for a little while.  I wish he'd come & ring my doorbell, I'd toss a brick through his clay table & stab him in the eyes with the splinters.

DAVID SPADE: Why does this scrawny runt give off a sense of elitism?  I can't be the only person who wants to snap his spine just to see the look on his rodent-like face.  Hey, vermin, when your security people are trying to electrocute you in your sleep, you must not be very popular.

50 CENT: Hip-hop's 1 trick pony is now coming out with a movie & video game about how he was shot 9 times.  I wonder if 10 would've been the lucky number.  Fuck Fiddy.  You mush-mouthed no talent.  You are Marshall's bitch.  Now go out to the club, bottle full of bud, give his taint a rub & make him dat money.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR: Mr Buffy now has a sitcom on ABC.  Is it too much to hope that this lump ends up like his daddy?

OPRAH WINFREY: Oprah has too much influence over the haus-fraus of America.  Men can suggest a positively reasonable idea to their wives & get shot down.  But if Oprah suggest the same thing these women will then think it's a good idea.  She seems to be starting her own cult similar to Jim Jones or the Polyphonic Spree.  If I can just find a way to get Oprah to drink the cyanide Kool-Aid first, then I'll drive off in a new car.

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