Every now & then, I write a follow up
column to something. Most of the time, I go back to the
subject I feel the strongest about, like my Brick List,
my continued support of The West Memphis 3 or my constant
hatred of religion. But I never thought I’d write
a follow up to The Urinal.
The Urinal was 1 of my first columns for Dean’s Planet.
It’s about how I get really annoyed when people at
work talk to me while I’m taking a leak. I made my
humorous point & moved on. Or so I thought. But this
weekend I had my mind blown & had to come back to this
topic.
I
went to a mall this weekend. I’m not proud of it.
Anyway, my lady is grabbing some lunch in the food court
& I have to go to the men’s room. I excuse myself
& weave my way through  tables,
customers & people with samples of food on toothpicks.
I enter the men’s room; head to the urinal & all
is normal... until I look down. That’s when I notice
I’m pissing on the MTV logo.
I start to wonder how the MTV logo came to be in a urinal,
but that’s starting to matter a lot less. I’m
beginning to enjoy myself. I like pissing on the MTV logo.
After all the bad shows they came up with & seemingly
getting rid of videos entirely, they deserve it. I begin
thinking I have the pee pee of vengeance. This is for Newlyweds.
This is for Jackass. This is for TRL. This is for making
VH1 another E! Channel. Why are the Hilton Sisters &
Arnold Schwartzenegger on VH1? They have no video hits,
as the channel’s name would imply. So they have no
fucking business being on there! So take it you motherfuckers!
Mine is the piss of the righteous.
I finish & I’m zipping up. Once my biological
functions have been taken care of I can investigate. The
MTV logo is on a blue plastic triangle with holes in it.
Normally these things have a compartment for urinal cakes,
but this doesn’t have 1. It just advertises the MTV
Bash, which was a Carson Daly roast that aired in July.
My brain short-circuited as I realized what this blue thing
was. I couldn’t grasp the concept. What kind of idiot
would advertise things in a urinal? I’d like to meet
the guy who came up with this (It had to be a man. No woman
could come up with this & still have an advertising
job). There’s someone out there that thought people
in toilets were a huge untapped market.
I went & rejoined my lady. I tried to explain what I
had seen & my thoughts on it, but it was difficult.
I was shocked by something I had never seen before. I’d
never heard or imagined such a thing. Then part of me felt
violated. Why am I not safe from advertising scum in the
potty? Is this the extent commerce will go to? Picture this.
You’re on the toilet. You look into the bowl &
in the water it says “Watch CBS News with Dan Rather”.
THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY! It’s like a baby with
a Hitler moustache, you never expect to hear of such a thing.
And someone thought we’d buy into it. We’ll
play along. We’re sheep & we like Carson Daly
because they tell us to like Carson Daly.
Fuck you! My mind will not be shat upon. Piss on all of
you who came up with this stupid fucking idea. It may have
been fun to piss on MTV, but the reasons behind it make
my bowels clench. I should go into Times Square, stand outside
of MTV’s studios & unleash my mighty wee wee for
what is right. Give me peace from advertising. Just because
you brought back The Headbangers Ball doesn’t mean
I’m willing to let commercials in a toilet slide.
R
Rick's Rants Archive
Email Rick
|
“subversive”
or “a communist” for reading this book, most
of the information is common knowledge. It’s simply
Moore’s wording that shines the light on the things
that should be featured prominently in the news, but instead
we’re subjected to the Bennifer wedding.