JESSICA SIMPSON OPENS HER MOUTH  Dumb blondes got a new poster girl this year when Newlyweds starring Jessica Simpson aired on MTV. I refused to watch this crap, but news & clips of the stupidity that falls from her ignorant Christian mouth was being replayed everywhere. She asked if Chicken of the Sea was chicken or tuna. When offered Buffalo wings, she responded that she didn’t eat buffalo. Natural selection should’ve weeded her out long ago. Now we know that because of her idiocy & music, this woman should only open her mouth to give head.

MICHAEL JACKSON INTERVIEW  Martin Bashir is a slick motherfucker. He placated Michael Jackson so much that ol’ No-nose let his freak flag fly high & clear in front of a camera. He put his kids in a crowd of paparazzi just so he could see gorillas. He covered his odd face with big white man hands. He admitted to sharing his bed with children & saying the world needs more of that. Now he wonders why we think he’s fucked up.

SCOTT STEINER: CROSS DRESSER  Scott Steiner is a lot of things. He’s muscle-bound, leathery, a shitty worker & terrible on the microphone. But on the December 1st episode of RAW, I saw a side of Steiner that I never needed to see. While attempting to get valet/hottie/ornament Stacy Kiebler to kiss his ass, Steiner pulled down his jeans & revealed he was wearing a pink thong. I know some wrestlers wear thongs under their tights to conceal their junk & not show panty line (I can’t believe I just wrote that). So why is Big Poppa Pump wearing a thong under his jeans? Maybe Freakzilla just wants to feel pretty.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: JUNKIE  How satisfying is it when the staunch vote of the right wing reveals himself to be a hypocrite? Very goddamned satisfying. Here’s a man who would spew out bullshit about we all should act a certain way. His opinion about drugs was very negative; stating all drug users should be in prison. Until he found himself to be 1 of those drug users. He needed his fix of vicodin & oxycontin, only to wash it down with pudding. Now this tubby brown eye realizes that drug addiction is a sickness better treated with compassion rather than condemnation.

DAVE MATTHEWS SOLO ALBUM  He sings for Dave Matthews Band. He’s the only member whose name we know & who gets interviewed. He’s the boss, the chief, and the top dog. So doesn’t a solo album seem very fucking redundant?

THE POPE STILL LIVES  He’s back again at number 5 because JP@ will just not fucking croak. When we live in a world where Johnny Cash dies & The Pope still lives, I know there’s no divine fucking justice. John Paul’s hip breaks Everytime he farts. This crusty old fuck-mook probably realizes there is no God. God wouldn’t let his top guy shit himself all the livelong day. So, since there’s no god, JP2’s life has been a big waste. I’d almost feel sorry for him if he didn’t protect pedophiles.

AL PACINO COSTARS IN GIGLI  Gigli was an over-hyped, poorly reviewed movie with over-hyped, poorly reviewed stars. But inside the Bennifer flop is Al Pacino, 1 of the greatest living actors in the world. How the fuck did that happen? But you see it from time to time. Great actors end up in diabolically bad movies, like Lawrence Fishburne in Biker Boyz. I usually try to rationalize this. Maybe his mom needed an operation. But since Pacino’s well over 60-years-old, his mom is likely to be long dead. Maybe a studio exec has pictures of Pacino schtupping a goat.

THE LIBERTINES VS. THE LIBERTINES  The Libertines are England’s answer to The Strokes, blending pop, punk & rock into a sound like The Clash, The Beatles & Blur. But singer/guitarist Peter Doherty is a walking goddamned calamity. Doherty got strung out on crack & smack (2 great tastes that go great together) & was arrested on drug charges. When released he broke into his band mate's flat, singer/guitarist Carl Barat, & burglarized it to pay for drugs. Doherty was locked up again while Barat & the other Libertines found a replacement for Doherty & continued their tour. After Doherty’s release he felt the need for music again & formed a new band. He called that band ... The Libertines. Never underestimate the amount of entertainment a crack head can give the world.

BUSH’S WAR IN IRAQ  You’ve got to admire Bush for standing by his lies. He said Iraq was involved in the WTC attack & they had weapons of mass destruction. Our troops went in & committed something close to genocide, killed lots of innocents, got a lot of our own troops killed & found no evidence to support Bush’s claims. Hell, he didn’t even find Saddam Hussein until yesterday. But Bush will not admit he was wrong about anything. He just smiles blankly. To quote Lewis Black, “I never understood why the French stormed the Bastille & beheaded Marie Antoinette. But now I fucking get it!”

DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying that I would like to cut the president’s head off, because saying such a thing is illegal & not protected by the free speech provision guaranteed to all American by the first amendment to the Constitution. I can go to prison for even joking about such a thing. So, I repeat, I don’t want to kill President Bush. Nor would I ever harm him. I just understand how Americans should storm the White House & cut his stupid fucking head off.

GREAT WHITE KILLS LOTS OF PEOPLE This tragedy was about ego. This aging band felt the need to relive their glory days regardless of the venue they were in. They didn’t care that those days were long past. So the pyro went up, the place burned down & 100 people dies. The club owners & managers are being charged with manslaughter, but it’s the band’s fucking fault. It’s their fault 100 are dead because of something so stupid.

R

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