| I
was going to wait until it was a little bit closer to Easter
before writing this. It’s a theory I’ve been
kicking around for years. But I said, "Fuck it".
For the first time in 40 years, Jesus is bigger than The
Beatles, so there’s no time like the present to kick
out the jams.
I
was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school for 12 years
& escaped without a single priest licking my balls but
with a fetish for plaid skirts that will last me the rest
of my days. Now I’m an atheist, which makes a lot
more sense to me. I can do whatever I want within the law,
but the downside is that I only get the holidays the government
gives me. But with all the recent talk of Jesus, I feel
a tug at certain areas long dormant inside me. There’re
so many theories & interpretations of Christianity &
every asshole is spewing their opinion for anybody who will
listen. Well, I’m an asshole too, goddammit. Time
to share my opinion.
Many
feel Mel Gibson’s film The Passion Of The Christ spreads
a message of anti-Semitism because it portrays the Jews
as the people who killed Jesus. Well, I was taught by many
nuns, who incidentally wouldn’t be so irritable if
they got some cock once in a while, whose lessons taught
that Jesus died for our sins. I guess that’s nice
of him. At least the nuns told me it was. Ergo, if you can
believe a woman dressed as a penguin, JC’s death was
a good thing & the Jews killing him simply moved this
good thing along. The Jews did a good thing. We should be
natural allies.
Secondly,
Jesus came back from the dead, which is a neat fucking trick.
I could win a lot of money from people if I could do that.
I need money. I have car problems. But I digress. His resurrection
rendered whoever is responsible for killing him moot. The
redeemer shrugged death off over the weekend. This is where
folks who want to hurt Jews for killing Jesus lose their
argument. His death wasn’t permanent. So his killers
are off the hook.
But
was it divinity that brought Christ back or was it something
more... sinister?
DA-DA-DUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM!
I
lean towards the latter. I believe that Jesus should’ve
been killed after his "resurrection". He should’ve
been shot in the head, his body should’ve been burned
& just for fun someone should’ve pee-peed on the
ashes. I believe that the man known as Jesus Christ was
a zombie.
DA-DA-DUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM!
Now
some of you may be thinking there’s a very thin line
between comedy & blasphemy & I just took a running
start & leapt over the motherfucker. But the clues are
there if you want to see them. The Last Supper. Eat of my
flesh. Drink of my blood. Zombies eat flesh. It’s
what they do. Plus, JC came back from the dead. Is that
not a fucking clue? Where I come from, that makes you a
zombie. It’s the same from Galilee to a shopping mall.
Rise from the dead=zombie. Put it on your W2.
My
interpretation of the life & "unlife" of Jesus
is no different from those who read the bible & come
away with the message that it’s OK to hate Jews, blacks,
gays or ventriloquists. All these theories are ridiculous.
Mine is just more entertaining.
R
Rick's Rants Archive
Email Rick
|
