THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #8

RANDI RHODES: No, not Ozzy’s dead guitar player. This Randi Rhodes is talk show hosts on Air America Radio, the new liberal talk radio station. I was excited to listen on their first day. They have hosts like Chuck D, Al Franken & Janeane Garofalo. I tune in as I’m driving home from work that first day & I hear a woman I’ve never heard before. That woman is Randi Rhodes. She's’ a former Florida DJ with a think Queens accent & her cynical attitude is pure New York. All is going well until she interviews Ralph Nader. She’s pissed at Nader for ruining the election. Rhodes believe the spoiler theory that “a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush”, meaning she thinks anybody who’d vote for an independent candidate would automatically vote for a democrat if the independent wasn’t on the ticket. It’s an opinion I don’t agree with, but I certainly understand where it comes from.

My problem with Randi Rhodes was that she wouldn’t let Nader explain his position. When you won’t let the other side get their point of view out there, you cease to be a good interviewer or debater & you have become Bill O’Reilly. When you’re on a station that’s supposed to be the antithesis of the conservative media you shouldn’t exhibit their worst traits. Randi, you’re a black spot on an otherwise good radio station. You gotta get bricked, honey.

HALLE BERRY: Fuck Halle Berry. I said it & I fear no reprisals. See, most people think Halle Berry is an icon. That’s bullshit. She’s attractive, yes. But she’s also in so many shitty movies that it’s ridiculous. She’s a very bad actress. Fuck her Oscar too. In X-Men, Halle Berry plays Storm, an African mutant with the power to control the weather. Berry tried to use a Kenyan accent in the first X-Men film, but it was so piss-poor that she ditched it for the sequel. There’s also Gothika, a terrible mix of The Sixth Sense, 8MM & Berry’s own Rich Man’s Wife, which was little more than a movie of extreme close ups of Halle Berry. I’d love to chuck bricks at Miss Berry while watching The Last Boy Scout, a fine film that Berry’s in for 10 minutes, then she dies. Yippee!

MELISSA RIVERS: My buddy, Greg, put it best when he said “The last time I saw a face like Melissa Rivers, there was a bit in its mouth & Spiderman was riding on its back in the movie Seabiscuit.” This horse-faced mess has no right critiquing how anybody else looks. Her only encounters with a hard on must come from the service end of a glory hole. I have to find a way to slip my brick through that hole & clunk her in the eye.

MICHAEL POWELL: The chairman of the Federal Communications Commission is a waste of salary made up of our tax dollars. He’s worked hard to allow corporations to monopolize TV & radio stations. But if any of those corporations get out of line, Powell has no trouble stomping on the First Amendment to toss controversial artists in the trash. The FCC targeted Howard Stern & the people responded by barraging the FCC with complaints of indecency against more socially acceptable figures such as Oprah for talking on the air about “tossing the salad”. The people have spoken, Powell. We don’t want a moral watchdog getting an undeserved salary & most of us would bash you with a brick if given half a chance.

WILLA FORD:

INSANE CLOWN POSSE:

CONDOLEEZA RICE: The national Security Advisor, when asked about what warnings she received about terror attacks prior to 9/11 claimed she’d received a memo stating that Ossama Bin Laden would like to attack America, not 1 stating that he would attack America & that those aren’t the same things. Well, Condi, I’d like to hit you with many bricks. If I get the chance, I will hit you with many bricks. Then I’d like you to explain the difference to congress when I’m done.

MALCOLM MCLAREN: The self proclaimed Svengali of the Sex Pistols has had a brick beating coming for a long time. Whereas punk was supposed to be about freedom & originality, McLaren sold it to the masses as a uniform, spinning cash from chaos. He ripped the Pistols off for a lot of dough, lost a law suit in which he was accused of exploiting the underage girl in Bow Wow Wow & then made horrible music on his own. In the queen’s English, he’s a poncey cunt. Or is it a cunty ponce? Fuck it. I’m from New York. Here’s your brick, fucker.

THE WACHOWSKI BROTHERS: They started with Bound, which is a fantastic heist movie with excellent cinematography & hot girl-on-girl action. Then they did The Matrix, which had lots of innovation but a bad lead actor. But closing out the trilogy, the Wachowski brothers attempted to convince viewers that Keanu Reeves was the digital Jeebus, clued us into their leather fetish & ostracized most fans by using the word “assiduously” (meaning marked by careful unremitting attention or persistent application). They’re 2 guys who made Warner Brothers a lot of money & then turned their franchise into a wankfest. I don’t think moviegoers gave a damn by the third film, hence the advertising for the DVD. The tagline is “Complete the trilogy”. As if to say, “You’ve come this far. Might as well see it through. Brick beatings for the Wachowskis, although if their penchant for leather is any indication, they might like it.

ANN COULTER: For a while now, I’ve heard what an ice bitch Ann Coulter is. The other night I actually got to see Queen Frosty Nips on TV. Everyone was commenting on Dubya’s press conference the night before & how he wouldn’t admit to any mistakes or apologize to families of the victims of 9/11 for not following up on terror warnings. When Coulter was asked if Dubya should apologize she responded with, “I don’t think the President should be asked to apologize. I think we should ask Osama Bin Laden & his people to apologize to the families of victims of 9/11. But they won’t apologize & that’s why they need to die.”

I can agree with Chilly McCoochie about Al Quaida needing to be stopped. You have to stop those who try to harm you & if you harm them in the process, it’s self-defense. But to entertain the notion of Al Quaida apologizing is preposterous. It’s as ridiculous as a president expecting specifics before a surprise terrorist attack.

But seeing Ann Coulter, I realized her problem. She has never had an orgasm. It’s obvious. It’s why she’s ready to snap. She’s saving herself for the right (pun intended) Republican seed. What she needs is brick bukkake. Hard.

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