My lady knows what pisses me off. She also knows that what pisses me off helps me creatively. So the first time she saw MTV’s I Want A Famous Face, she called me & told me the premises of this horribly fucked up show. It’s about pathetic young people with no self esteem who get cosmetic surgery to look like their favorite celebrities. Upon hearing this, I remembered the words of the late great Bill Hicks who said, “This is why I pray for nuclear fucking holocaust.”

So MTV finds some walking wastes of sperm & egg who decide, allegedly of their own free will, to get plastic surgery & ask for permission to document & televise the whole fat sucking ordeal. Let’s start with twin brothers who beneath the surface seem to have no other ambition to become serial date rapists. You know the type. They have delusions of grandeur & think women should flock to them. But that isn’t likely to happen to you when your face is another man’s burial ground. Instead of realizing that they are young works in progress that haven’t finished forming (or in their case, mutating) they decide to go under the knife to look like Brad Pitt. What follows is grotesque footage of tubes & meat. Then the young men... look nothing like Brad Pitt. They look like that fashion dude from Entertainment Tonight, the 1 that looks like the gay Steven Tyler. But the 2 boys are happy. I, on the other hand, am trying to hold my vomit.

Next there’s a broad who looks to be in her 30‘s & is a Britney Spears look-alike. No, not some mall clone, she gets paid at “talent shows” & children’s parties to be a Britney Spears look-alike. It’s fucking creepy! She says when she meets a child who thinks she is Britney, she carries herself as if she were a representative of Britney (Writing that sentence made my head hurt). After a boob job, she thinks her career will take off & she will become a star.

What the fuck? Are these people insane? Why isn’t anybody happy with his or her appearance? I look like Silent Bob, but not as fat & I don’t care. Fuck it. Ladies, if you have the FUPuR (Fat Upper Pussy Region), fuck it. Let your man hit it from the side & pat that pouch. You are what you are. Men, if your getting cosmetic surgery & it isn’t to cover up massive burns, you are no longer a man & have to surrender any Clint Eastwood movies in your possession (except Bridges of Madison County). You are what you are. Going under the knife will not give you self-esteem. Dealing with whatever is fucked in your head will. Like the twins with bad personalities. They sand blasted their faces & they still have bad personalities.

So in closing, if you want a famous face & take steps to get it, I want you to fuck yourself... hard.

R