| Thankfully,
modern horror movies are turning back the clock to a time
when the genre was scary. Fuck it. They’re trying
but not quite succeeding. The attempt counts, though.
In
the 90’s, the horror genre was full of whodunits marketed
as horror movies. Now with supernaturally evil villains,
we can return to learning lessons from horror movies, like
never fuck on a camping trip.
There
has been a common incident in 3 horror movies I’ve
seen recently that have shown me how to deal with something
properly. The movies I speak of are Dreamcatcher, Gothika
& the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The incident
that all 3 have in common is the trouble that ensues when
1 finds an unusual person lollygagging in the middle of
the road.
In
Dreamcatcher, as Thomas Jayne & Tim Olyphant ride back
to their log cabin, they swerve their car in order to avoid
hitting a woman sitting in the road. They crash & find
this bitch farting out noxious fumes because she has a poop
alien growing in her belly. The events lead onto alien  encounters
in their attempt to take over the world.
Gothika,
which stars the recently bricked Halle Berry, features a
woman swerving to avoid a girl in the road. Turns out the
girl is a ghost who wants Berry’s help. The ghost
asks for help by mutilating, framing her for murder &
generally beating the shit out of the future lame Catwoman.
In
the new version of Chainsaw, Jessica Biel & her tits...
ahem, van full of friends stop & pick up a hitchhiker.
What follows is a grisly mix of chainsaws, meat hooks &
R. Lee Ermy yelling at people. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Now,
what I learned from these 3 films is what I’d like
to share with all of you. This information may 1 day save
your life. If you’re in a remote area, driving around
& you see someone in the middle of the road... hit them.
Step on the fucking gas pedal. Turn your windshield wipers
on & floor it. Damn the consequences. If it helps you
avoid a mad slasher or a zombie attack then it’s worth
it & you can be home in time for dinner.
DISCLAIMER:
The preceding statement applies to hitting humans only.
Please swerve to avoid running over animals, as they are
cuter & do not talk.
R
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