THE
RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #12
 KARL
ROVE: George
Bush calls him “The Architect”. I call him “The
guy who used a smear campaign to get a coke-sniffing dog-fucker
re-elected”. Rove looks a lot like Lou Perlman, the
fat white guy who creates pop groups like N'SYNC & the
Backstreet Boys. Watching a documentary about Rove, I learned
that when Rove met Dubya, Bush was wearing his gear from
the National Guard (nice to know the roots of his playing
dress up stretch that far back). Rove thought Georgie Jr
was the coolest guy ever. Rove needs to get out more because
this sounds very gay. But then again when I see a pasty
overweight white guy who wears glasses & is balding
I think he’s a pedophile.
 JAMES
TAYLOR: Sweet
baby James. More like Sweet Baby Bitch.
 BEN
STILLER: Yes,
Reality Bites was very cool. But it seems that ever since
The Royal Tannenbaums, Stiller has released a movie every
2 months & each film has gotten progressively worse.
Ben, you’re on an uninterrupted downward trajectory.
Go home. Stay there until you’re funnier.
 MY
CHEMICAL ROMANCE:
These kids have a song where the singer screeches epeatedly,
“I’m not OK”. I got news for you. When
you’re 18, nobody is OK. Go wash your face, you look
like a dead whore.
 ROD
STEWART: Did
anybody ever wants Rod’s body & think he was sexy?
Doubtful. Hence he’s now recording albums of jazz
standards. But when this tuneless wonder covered “What
A Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong he butchered
a classic. He fucked up a very beautiful song. Destroying
art is inexcusable. Don’t even get me started on your
piss-poor version of
“Downtown Train” you leather-skinned alcoholic.
 JUDE
LAW: Why
is this effeminate Brit everywhere? In a 6-month period,
Jude Law will be in Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow,
I Heart Huckabees, Alfie, Closer, Lemony Snicket’s
A Series Of Unfortunate Events & The Aviator. Can you
say overexposed? Try it. I’m putting him back in the
wheelchair from Gattica & throwing him down the stairs.
 THE
POLYPHONIC SPREE:
They’re happy. I hate that! They started out with
white robes & about 12 people in the band, not too cult
like. Now their numbers stretch to about 7,000 with chapters
in 16 states. They are the Jim Jones Orchestra. Don’t
fall into their trap! If you buy their album, you’re
in the band. You’ll be onstage playing the kazoo or
the triangle or the tambourine. Then you’ll be in
an arranged marriage. Next thing you know, you’re
drinking Kool-Aid with cyanide in it.
 DENISE
RICHARDS:
I was at my newsstand this morning, getting my paper, debating
if I should get a magazine or not. I’d already bought
Fangoria. As my eyes scanned the racks, I looked at the
cover of Playboy & was frightened. There on the cover,
surrounded by red & green Christmas style writing, was
Denise Richards. Her eyes were bulging wide & the vacancy
behind them was staggering. Did you see JU-ON: The Grudge?
Not the American version with Buffy & Ted Raimi. I mean
did you see the original Japanese movie? I don’t know
if the US 1 has these shots where the Japanese ghost chick
&ghost kid are blue & staring at the camera with
their eyes wide & they’re not blinking. But if
it does, Denise Richards out creeps those ghosts from the
land of the Rising Sun. It’s been downhill since Wild
Things, honey. Go read a book.
R
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