What’s worse than having a cold in December? Having a cold in December & hearing Christmas music on the radio. Remember in the ‘80’s, in the midst of satanic panic, when people were claiming that heavy metal music made people kill themselves? Christmas music makes me want to kill everyone! It pollutes the air with its phony sentimentality. Those who sing it do so vapidly, with the exception of Ray Charles but that doesn’t make his Christmas music good.

I did get a version of Henry Rollins reading ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas on a CD a few years back. That track was accurate to the season. Henry read the poem sounding robotic while a haunting bass line thudded in the background. Sounds of gunfire & police helicopters are woven into the track, bringing to mind the images of criminals running through alleys in a
filthy ghetto. What a brilliant way to shatter an illusion held by many that Christmas is good.

There are many who look at me funny when I tell them that I hate Christmas. “How could you hate Christmas?”, they ask with their huge glassy eyes.

“Well,” I say, “it’s consumer bullshit that no longer holds any religious connotations. You are forced to spend time with your family, a group of people that if you were not connected to them by blood or marriage you would never speak to them. The only reason we spend our time & money on most of them is in the hopes of getting gifts in return. We’re whoring ourselves for presents.”

Fuck this season. It’s not the most wonderful time of the year. It’s not the happiest season of all. You’ve just been programmed since your infancy to feel that way. Remember, dear readers, while I love you all I must shatter illusions because I hate. There’s my season’s greeting, jive turkey!

R

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