THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #13

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE: I don't know the name of the actor who played this nerd, nor do I need to.  I hated this fucking movie.  This is the kind of wet-handed mouth breather I'd beat the shit out of in high school for being an unevolved mess.  People that like this film are wrong.

KATHY GRIFFEN: Shut up you ugly, bug-eyed bitch!

TOM CRUISE: Yes, he's been in movies that I've enjoyed, but I have problems with religious zealots.  You're an actor.  You can't act.  You look confused in every movie & need a great cast to carry your short ass through the film.  But even when you're supposed to be talking about your new project you seem to always turn the conversation to your alien faith & how it's the only thing that can save us.  I don't need saving.  You're as annoying as a Jehovah's Witness.  At least their deity came to earth for a little while.  I wish he'd come & ring my doorbell, I'd toss a brick through his clay table & stab him in the eyes with the splinters.

DAVID SPADE: Why does this scrawny runt give off a sense of elitism?  I can't be the only person who wants to snap his spine just to see the look on his rodent-like face.  Hey, vermin, when your security people are trying to electrocute you in your sleep, you must not be very popular.

50 CENT: Hip-hop's 1 trick pony is now coming out with a movie & video game about how he was shot 9 times.  I wonder if 10 would've been the lucky number.  Fuck Fiddy.  You mush-mouthed no talent.  You are Marshall's bitch.  Now go out to the club, bottle full of bud, give his taint a rub & make him dat money.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR: Mr Buffy now has a sitcom on ABC.  Is it too much to hope that this lump ends up like his daddy?

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #12

KARL ROVE: George Bush calls him “The Architect”. I call him “The guy who used a smear campaign to get a coke-sniffing dog-fucker re-elected”. Rove looks a lot like Lou Perlman, the fat white guy who creates pop groups like N'SYNC & the Backstreet Boys. Watching a documentary about Rove, I learned that when Rove met Dubya, Bush was wearing his gear from the National Guard (nice to know the roots of his playing dress up stretch that far back). Rove thought Georgie Jr was the coolest guy ever. Rove needs to get out more because this sounds very gay. But then again when I see a pasty overweight white guy who wears glasses & is balding I think he’s a pedophile.

JAMES TAYLOR: Sweet baby James. More like Sweet Baby Bitch.

BEN STILLER: Yes, Reality Bites was very cool. But it seems that ever since The Royal Tannenbaums, Stiller has released a movie every 2 months & each film has gotten progressively worse. Ben, you’re on an uninterrupted downward trajectory. Go home. Stay there until you’re funnier.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE: These kids have a song where the singer screeches epeatedly, “I’m not OK”. I got news for you. When you’re 18, nobody is OK. Go wash your face, you look like a dead whore.

ROD STEWART: Did anybody ever wants Rod’s body & think he was sexy? Doubtful. Hence he’s now recording albums of jazz standards. But when this tuneless wonder covered “What A Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong he butchered a classic. He fucked up a very beautiful song. Destroying art is inexcusable. Don’t even get me started on your piss-poor version of
“Downtown Train” you leather-skinned alcoholic.

JUDE LAW: Why is this effeminate Brit everywhere? In a 6-month period, Jude Law will be in Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow, I Heart Huckabees, Alfie, Closer, Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events & The Aviator. Can you say overexposed? Try it. I’m putting him back in the wheelchair from Gattica & throwing him down the stairs.

THE POLYPHONIC SPREE: They’re happy. I hate that! They started out with white robes & about 12 people in the band, not too cult like. Now their numbers stretch to about 7,000 with chapters in 16 states. They are the Jim Jones Orchestra. Don’t fall into their trap! If you buy their album, you’re in the band. You’ll be onstage playing the kazoo or the triangle or the tambourine. Then you’ll be in an arranged marriage. Next thing you know, you’re drinking Kool-Aid with cyanide in it.

DENISE RICHARDS: I was at my newsstand this morning, getting my paper, debating if I should get a magazine or not. I’d already bought Fangoria. As my eyes scanned the racks, I looked at the cover of Playboy & was frightened. There on the cover, surrounded by red & green Christmas style writing, was Denise Richards. Her eyes were bulging wide & the vacancy behind them was staggering. Did you see JU-ON: The Grudge? Not the American version with Buffy & Ted Raimi. I mean did you see the original Japanese movie? I don’t know if the US 1 has these shots where the Japanese ghost chick &ghost kid are blue & staring at the camera with their eyes wide & they’re not blinking. But if it does, Denise Richards out creeps those ghosts from the land of the Rising Sun. It’s been downhill since Wild Things, honey. Go read a book.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #11

CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL: This second-generation wrestler should be called Carlito Caribbean Crap. He has a bad retro-style Savio Vega/Razor Ramon gimmick that would’ve been laughed out of the arena back in the corny 80’s. He refers to himself in the third person & has been pushed into a mid-card title on his first night on TV. But he’s a slow & shitty worker. Hell, my lady has suplexed me better than this afro-headed ball-bag. I wonder if he gave Vince McMahon a rusty trombone in order to get his push.

HILLARY DUFF: There’s something about her, I’m not sure what, that makes me want to fart in her dinner.

STEVEN TYLER: He supports George W. Bush. For that, he gets a brick to his big ass lips. Now where the fuck’s my royalties?

DOLLY PARTON: This aging country star is thinking about alleviating her back pain with a breast reduction. What’s wrong with you, you warbling, chicken-fried heffer? The only reason anybody ever paid attention to you is because you have gargantuan funbags. Don’t reduce the wonder of your aging juggs. Put a brick under each breast if they need support. You’re a big titty woman & everybody loves a big titty woman!

KRS-ONE: Kris, you disappoint me. Once upon a time when people would complain to me that hip-hop was ignorant, I’d mention KRS-One. I’d talk about how he rhymed with consciousness. How many rappers would rap about safe sex? He was the teacher. He coined the phrase “edutainment“. I respected him.
Now he pissed me off.

Recently, KRS-One said that black people cheered the WTC attack. He claimed security at the WTC wouldn’t let blacks in. So he said, “When those towers fell we thought, ‘Mmmmm... justice’”. He also said blacks looked at the event as “they”, meaning whites were being attacked & the hip-hop community doesn’t relate to it. Well, Kris, why did the Wu-Tang ask, “Where the fuck the man who knocked our buildings down?” on Iron Flag?

I expected better from an intelligent MC & Native New Yorker. Giving a verbal thrashing to a Wall Street yuppie is 1 thing, making light of mass murder is another. Keep your ignorant ass in the boogie down Bronx, bitch.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #10

JEB BUSH: The governor of the state that’s shaped like a limp wang helped his brother steal an election & become president. To make matters worse, this choad-tapper seems to be preparing to do it again. He’s collaborated with a company called Diebold to create touch screen voting ballots that leave no paper trail & he’s trying to ban manual recounts in his state. Fuck you scat-muncher! While I’m on the topic, what the fuck kind of name is Jeb anyway?

ASHLEE SIMPSON: That’s all I needed. There’s yet another teenage white girl pop star riding that payola train & making the musical climate worse than it already is. People are actually buying this shit. Allowances are being wasted. Ashlee needs to be silenced, either by a brick or by tossing a salas.

OPRAH WINFREY: Fuck Oprah & her goddamned book club. Howard Stern gets fined for saying “balloon knot” on the air, but Oprah can have guests on speaking about Rainbow parties & salad tossing on TV at a time when kids could be watching without supervision. Hell of a double standard you FCC fuckers. The FCC hasn’t done anything to Oprah. Michael Powell, the head of the FCC, has gone on record saying they won’t do anything to Winfrey because she’s a beloved institution. Speaking of Beloved, that’s the movie where Danny Glover beat the shit out of Oprah. So it’s me & Murtagh & a bucket of bricks on our way to whup Winfrey.

RUPERT MURDOCH: How wrong id this guy? Well, he owns the Fox News Channel, which should really be called the republican PR firm & is currently brainwashing its viewers. His Fox TV Network creates a plethora of shitty reality TV shows to make the populace even dumber that it already is. Fuck you, Rupert! If you think I’ll let you slide because of Married With Children, the Simpsons & 24, you’re in for some serious fucking disappointment.

ANG LEE: The mighty have fallen... hard. Ang Lee directed Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, 1 of the coolest martial arts movies ever. But his follow-up was The Hulk, which was stupid as fuck all. Now his next project will star Jake Gyllenhall & Heath Ledger as gay cowboys in love. I’m not kidding. Come on, Ang. You’re better than this. We all heard the joke about all independent movies begin about gay cowboys eating pudding. You didn’t really have to go & make 1.

RENEE DUPREE: You can call me gay for writing this, but I do it for your entertainment. Renee Dupree, the young WWE superstar with the cheesy French gimmick gets a spot on the brick list because he continually gets a raging boner during his matches. It’s strange. 1 night while watching Smackdown, I notice Dupree has a hard on. So the following week I watch his match with the eye of a scientist. As frenchy comes to the ring with his poodle, Fifi, I think to myself, “He’s gonna fuck that dog.”

So he starts his match & not much is going on in his purple Speedos. Maybe Dupree’s a masochist because as he starts to get whupped his boner rises & points towards true north. Then he takes a front bump & the boner goes down a little, only to return with a vengeance. The Dupree rolls his opponent up & places his boner on the unsuspecting man’s head. Ewww.

I’d chuck bricks at his French boner, but they’ll only shatter. So I’ll hurl those bricks at his fucking head while shouting, “Je suis un tre grande pomme de terre!”

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #7

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: What gets him on this brick list? Not his relationship with Britney, which we still hear about years after it’s over. Not his weird quasi-Oedipal relationship with his mommy. Not the whole Janet’s boob thing. Not his new career of imitating Michael Jackson. What gets Justin a brick beating is his refusal to talk like a Tennessee white boy. Wigga please.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #6

JOAN RIVERS: Why the fuck is this woman famous? Oh she used to be a comedienne. Well if her haggard attempts at humor on the red carpet are any indication of her comedic prowess, she should be shoved off the aforementioned carpet & into the path of an incoming limo. I know hitting her with bricks will be futile since she’ll just shellac another layer of plastic over her face. Her face is another man’s burial ground.

SHERYL CROW: Sweet Jeebus, her lyrics suck. But for some odd reason people love her. She wins a Grammy so her & the 5 people it took to write her diabolical song with asinine lyrics go up to accept it. Put your own non-thoughts on paper bee-yotch! The empty-headed sentiment of “Everyday Is A Winding Road” & “Soak Up The Sun” is the soundtrack from the eighth ring of hell.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #5

MADONNA: She may have set the template for a sex symbol at the end of the 20th century & I like anybody who pisses the church off. Yet, Madonna makes the brick list anyway for fucking her husband’s, Guy Ritchie, movie career. Guy Ritchie made 2 great heist movies (Lock, Stock, & 2 Smoking Barrels & Snatch) then married Madonna & made the terrible vanity project Swept Away. That movie was so bad it went straight to video in Ritchie’s native England. Dropping bricks on the Material Girl is my way of telling Guy Ritchie to make another cool flick, preferably with Jason Statham & Vinnie Jones.

THE DARKNESS: These guys have the bright idea to bring back hair metal complete with screeching falsetto vocals, spandex outfits 7 corny fucking lyrics. My idea to chuck bricks at their crotches seems better. I’ll just tell them it will help them hit those difficult high notes.

MATCHBOX 20: For further proof that there is no justice in this world, Matchbox 20’s debut album has sold more copies than Nevermind by Nirvana. That’s not right. That money could be better spent buying this group some testicles. This wanky bunch makes music for soulless yuppies that think malls are good & Vin Diesel is a good actor. Bricks to the head & mouth for these cocksuckers. Rob Thomas my not be crazy, but he’ll feel more than a little unwell when I’m through with him. Go cry to Santana, bitch!

PARIS HILTON: Why the fuck are you famous? You’re a rich little pill-popping cooze who has a very difficult time staying dressed. I shouldn’t even know your name. You get a brick for nip-slipping your way into the public eye.

BILL O’REILLY: Have you ever noticed when someone is getting the better of O’Reilly on his show, Bill yells at them to shut up then goes to commercial? When the show returns, that guest is no longer there. Can’t take the heat can you, Bill? I got a nice warm brick for you & it’ll have a hell of a spin on it, you receptacle for the republican seed.

EVERYBODY AT CBS FOX WHO DECIDED RELEASING GAME OF DEATH WAS A GOOD IDEA: Bruce Lee filmed 2 scenes for Game Of Death before he died. Now those scenes kicked a lot of ass, particularly Bruce’s fight with Kareem Abdul Jabar, but you can’t call 2 scenes a movie. So what did CBS FOX do? After the film remained in limbo for a few years, CBS FOX decided to capitalize on Lee’s name & “last film” by hiring a look-alike to finish the movie. Look-alike is a loose description as he was shorter & not as well built as Bruce. Maybe they thought American audiences thought all Asians look alike. For shame. To make matter worse, the stand-in worse big tacky 70’s sunglasses throughout most of the films, even in scenes that took place at night... while driving. No. I’m not making this up. Add in choppy edits of close ups of Bruce & you have the worst cash cow ever made. Bricks for all, but for these bastards I’m breaking out the nunchucks too.

GODSMACK: The year was 1998 & I was working at Tower Records. We got a promotional copy of Godsmack’s first album. I put it on with a few other CD’s & go about my work. After a while I hear what sounds like “Last” by Nine Inch Nails. I didn’t put Nine Inch Nails in the CD player. Why am I hearing it? Then I hear lyrics. That’s not Trent Reznor. What the fuck is going on here? Turns out their song “Time Bomb” is a note for note rip off of “Last” by Nine Inch Nails. Bricks to these sound thieves.

TED TURNER & EVERYONE AT NEW LINE CINEMA: A while back, I found a VHS copy of The Street Fighter, starring Sonny Chiba as Terry Terugi, a badder motherfucker than Shaft. I’d meant to see this movie for a long time, ever since Tarentino first mentioned it in True Romance. After seeing Kill Bill, that clinched it. My lady also bought me a Sonny Chiba 10 DVD set. We were going to watch The Street Fighter! But while watching the VHS version, I noticed a running time of 74 & lots of choppy edits, plus an ending that made no sense. Chiba grabs a guys throat & then the credits roll. What the fuck? It seems The Street Fighter was 1 of the first movies to get an X rating for violence. So when New Line got the rights for re-release they edited out all the gratuitous violence (aka the good parts). It truly fucked the ending. So fuck Ted Turner & New Line Cinema. Viva Chiba!

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #4

THE BITCH FROM EVANESCENCE: What is this broad’s problem? This nasty Hot Topic cooze is always in peril. She’s either falling off the roof or drowning or needs to be woken up or a wombat is eating her tits. Bitch, shut the fuck up & go sit down somewhere. Since you like to fall so much, why don’t I throw you off of my roof onto a pile of bricks? Then pick your mangled carcass up, carry you back up to the roof & toss you down again.

PHIL COLLINS: What the fuck is “Psusudio”? Anyway, this menstrual stain put out a new album, Testify, with a song called “Can’t Stop Loving You”. It’s pure sonic castration that I am subjected to every goddamned day on the lite music station at work. In the song, Phil’s woman left him, possibly because he has a vagina. He eve states to his departed woman/man/hermaphrodite/whatever-the-fuck that, “I’ll always be here if you change your mind” while the background singers repeat the word “Why?”. It sounds more to me like they’re saying “Whaaa”, crying like babies with skinned knees. Phil, you strange British shemale, when you make a proclamation like that, you may as well buy a huge neon sign that says, “I HAVE NO TESTICLES”. You’re getting a big brick in the cooch for this 1, Buster.

EVERYBODY ASSOCIATED WITH AMERICAN IDOL: Fuck these easy listening payola puppets. Fuck the limey prick. Fuck Paula Abdul. Fuck the fat judge who looks like Al Roker. Fuck the terrible songwriters that give these mindless sheep lots of words with which to say nothing. Fuck the people at Fox who air this foul entertainment abortion & preempt 24 so they can do it. Rick needs to see Kiefer take down the terrorists! Fuck the slack-jawed youth that audition for this shit & subject themselves to the criticism of the limey. Bricks in the teeth for all of them & bricks to the microphones that they have shat upon.

ASHTON KUTCHER: Nevermind how much I like That 70’s Show & kudos for making Justin Timberlake cry on TV, I hate when an idiot makes a living. It’s a crime against nature & evolution. The stupid should be weeded out naturally as they were in prehistoric days. You can’t catch a yak, you starve to death. I’ll admit that Punk’d is entertaining, it’s poor grammer to turn an adjective into a verb of the past tense. It’s not even spelled properly, Ashton. So the cycle of ignorance gets passed on. But I’ll rescue humanity. By hitting Kelso with enough bricks to render him silent. I won’t give him any bricks to the head however; they'll do no damage.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Here’s another would-be casualty of natural selection. On the TV show she has with her pillow-biting husband, this numb Christian cunt displayed her stupidity when she announced she wasn’t sure if she was eating tuna or chicken. It tasted like tuna, but the can said “Chicken Of The Sea”. Also, while speaking on domesticity she said, “I always thought that, magically, things would get clean.” You’ll be eating bricks before I’m done with you.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #3

ERIC BISCHOFF: When Ted Turner sold WCW to Vince McMahon, I thought I was done seeing Eric Bischoff on TV. I had removed him from the brick list since he was out of the public eye & no longer around to annoy the piss out of me. But Vince, who is drunk on power, tends to make anyone who went against him bow before him. So he hired Eric Bischoff to be the "General Manager" of RAW, an on-air position with no real power. But, watching wrestling last night with the boys, we're treated to sweeping photographic close-ups of Bischoff, as if they are saying. "Love Eric" as they swoop by. Every time I see this Eddie Munster clone, I feel the need to get a grenade, stuff it in his smiling mouth, pull the pin & run like fuck.

THE FAT BASS PLAYING JAGG-OFF FROM NEW FOUND GLORY: I'd prefer not to know his name so as not to use up valuable brain space on this tubby prick. New Found Glory is 1 of those modern punk bands who play the Warped Tour & don't rage against or for anything. They suck enough to fly beneath my radar. But seeing 20 seconds of 1 of their videos is enough to put their chunky green-haired bassist on the brick list. He's fat, plays shirtless & tends to make faces like a retard trying to pass a shelving unit through his colon. I told Raz that I was adding this short bus passenger to the list & he went off on a rant about this pasty tubby virgin being unable to make a normal face in a photo for the past fucking year. This rant singed my goddamned eyebrows. If this lard-ass, who I hope never breeds, thinks mimicking Sid Vicious's facial expressions is cool, why not go the whole way & shoot some smack & then DIE !!!!!! Oh you are so very dead, tubby. I'm gonna put you in a hole in my basement & make you put lotion in the basket. Then you do the truffle shuffle, you fat fuck.

THE ENTIRE CAST OF GREASE: I would happily murder everyone involved with the production of this film. The actors, the caterers, the fucking best boy. Everyone. But death increases sales volume & I'd just be helping their estates. So, instead, bricks for all. And even though I liked Travolta in Pulp Fiction, he thinks L. Ron Hubbard is god & needs a reality check.

CRAIG NICHOLLS OF THE VINES: Don’t get me wrong, I like The Vines quite a bit. Many may write them off as a simple Nirvana rip-off, but they also rip-off The Beatles & they do it quite well... on CD that is. Live, Nicholls comes off as a wino frontman, 1 eye half open, the other nearly closed. He screeches & wails, but without soul or intensity. It just sounds like a young boy with his nuts being squeezed. Toss in the fact that he is always high & only seems to put down his bowl when his guitar is in his hand instead. The boy’s face contorts so badly during his rocker moments you don’t know if he’s in pain or trying to push a cumbersome object out of his bowels. For that, his death by brick will be a mercy killing.

DAVID ARQUETTE: There’s Rosanna & there’s Patricia, but the Arquette who seems to wrangle the most screen time is this mongoloid crack-head. Why? Could it be the cinematic merit of See Spot Run or Ready To Rumble. The motherfucker even brings down the value of good films like Beautiful Girls. Just let me have a flaming barbed wire match against this former WCW champion & my murderous rages will fade.

USHER: I liked him in Light It Up. He has a good voice. So what if he wants to make a career out of impersonating Michael Jackson & star in Twix commercials. But if this tool thinks he can play Marvin Gaye in a TV movie, he is sadly mistaken. Marvin Gaye was a musical genius; you were a football player in The Faculty. By the way, I put arsenic in your Twix.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: Here’s another dingy broad who inexplicably spread her legs for Carson Daly. She hosted VH1’s 100 Greatest Love Song countdown & committed many errors that deserved not only a brick beating, but also a flat out brick raping. She was hosting, but Isaac Hayes was narrating. Hayes should be hosting, he wrote Hot Buttered Soul after all. She’s acting cute, running up to the camera & sticking out her tongue. In actuality, it looks like she hit the wall a while ago... then got up & ran into it again.

TIPPER GORE: The scourge of American music fans everywhere. She founded the P.M.R.C & made it hard to get cool records with the word “fuck” somewhere on them. Who asked you to be watchdog of the world? Not I. Maybe she hasn’t been fucked well. Or she just needs the brick treatment. To paraphrase 1 of her targets, Snoop Dogg, “It’s a 187 with my brick in yo ass.”

SHANIA TWAIN: This bitch sings lyrics that are too stupid even for our retarded cowboy president, George Dubya Bush. A Canadian Country singer with lyrics to love songs such as, “I’m gonna getcha, don’cha worry bout that”. She goes from singing to speaking & back again with back up singers that sound blatantly vaginal. Her songs sound like commercial jingles or TV theme songs. But her brick beating will have to be kept on the DL, because my girlfriend’s dad loves Shania & he is a heavily armed police officer. I may have to take out a contract so this bitch can get the bricks. Floppy headed cunt!

SEAN PUFFY COMBS: I’m surprised I didn’t put him on the list sooner. This guy made sampling famous after Biggie got shot, but that wasn’t enough to make the brick list. His clothing line wasn’t enough. His dumb ass performance in Made wasn’t enough. Here’s what got Shuffy on the list. He’s the reason Jennifer Lopez, that mediocre talent is so goddamned famous. If he didn’t nail her & make her huge, she’d far less annoy me. So for that, Diddy takes a brick in the mouth.

GLORIA GAYNOR: She sang “I Will Survive” & what ever happened to her? This broad had her anthem for women become a hit when I was a fetus & that crap still gets played daily. People still tap their toes to this. When will motherfuckers realize that disco is DEAD. At first she was afraid, she was petrified, then my brick went upside her jaw, thus rendering her silent. Now, go get your fucking shine box!

MICHAEL JACKSON: How does 1 artist, an artist who was once undoubtedly the mack, become so fucking weird? He’s been at a point for the last decade that he’s freakiness takes precedence over his work. That’s fucked up. But what got him on the list wasn’t his nonexistent nose, or his baby dangling, or his preoccupation with children. What got him on this brick list was a moment in Martin Bashir’s documentary about him where Michael told a story about Tatum O’Neil trying to have sex with him. As Tatum undid Michael’s shirt buttons, Michael just covered his eyes with both hands. He said, “she stopped & left the room because she realized I was too shy”. NO! She stopped & left the room because she was fucking sickened of your lack of manhood & didn’t want you to touch her pussy. If you had said, “stop” or pushed her away & explained it, you’d have been fine. But you made like an ostrich. If I don’t see it, it isn’t there. You sick, testosteroneless freak. Start working with Quincy Jones again & maybe your ass won’t be bankrupt. You’ll make good music & we can like you again.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: Not Punk! Stop it! But I digress. This Canadian mall child with no titties gets on the list after I heard her latest single; “I’m With You”. I wasn’t paying much attention but the chorus drills through my thought meats with her crying like the baby in Eraserhead. “I’m with yeoooooooooo-ahoooooooooo-ahoooooooooo”. I wanna put my fucking fist in her mouth... & leave it there. I wanna be Billy Zane in Demon Knight & rip her head off her body with my fist still in her mouth & walk around all day with an Avril bracelet. Just imagine how annoying she’ll be after she gets her period. Furthermore, the song states Avril is waiting in the dark for someone she doesn’t know to take her somewhere new. Where I come from that’s called kidnapping. Is that what the young ladies of the Western Hemisphere fantasize about? Abduction?

In her song “Complicated” she laments about a straight-laced boy she’s in a relationship with, yet he doesn’t want to be seen with her. Avril, when that happens, you are 3 o’clock slop. You are only called when the guy needs his balls moistened. You serve no other purpose. You don’t get taken to parties or other social events. You don’t get to meet the family. You get called late at night after all other pussy pounding options have been exhausted. Stop singing & take a load in your eye.

KELLY ROWLAND OF DESTINY’S CHILD: The other girl in Destiny’s Child made a very dumb statement. “I love Nirvana’s old record with the baby on the cover, in the water- that is my favorite record to this day.” Wouldn’t you know the title, much less every word to your favorite record? For that, this dumb cumdumpster earns a date with sweet lady brick.

ALI GL: Wigga please.

JOHN MAYER: This double X chromosome owner has music that sounds like you’re tiptoeing through menstrual blood. Why would any heterosexual man describe a woman’s body as a wonderland? A woman’s body is a hot sensual thing, not a fruity wonderland. So this woman will have to use a brick tampon then make me dinner or you’ll feel my hand.

THE RICK GUZMAN CELEBRITY BRICK LIST #2

RIVERS CUOMO: The first of several on this list whose face looks perfect for hitting. Rivers Cuomo, with his immature lyrics, got a little older & mature with the album, Pinkerton. When the album wasn't a commercial success, he retreated to school & made fans wait 5 years for an album that was 28 minutes long. He then went on to slag the Pinkerton album & anyone who liked it. I'll take my car to work. You take your board. And I'll bounce your scrawny sweater-wearing ass off my bumper & roll back over you in reverse, dick.

PUDDLE OF MUDD: I like the way you smack my ass. I like the dirty things you do. These are not lyrics. They're something someone comes up with because they didn't get laid in high school. Plus the singer is a woman beater. More than enough reason to bring out the bricks.

BRITNEY SPEARS: You dingy fuckin' broad!!! When asked why she covered "I Love Rock & Roll" for her movie Crossroads, Britney replied, "Because I've always been a fan of Pat Benetar." Also when asked if she was N'sync's Yoko Ono, she replied , "Who?" Any of you guys who still think she's hot after finding out she's dumber than my boots may donkey punch her freely after her brick beating.

KID ROCK: White trash in all its splendor. Sure he had a midget for awhile. But when you're in Coors Light commercials & Coors is a P.M.R.C sponsor, your setting up your own professional downfall. Also his relationship with professional floatation device, Pamela Anderson ended because he refused to quit drinking when she asked him. Booze over pussy is not a wise choice.

ADAM SANDLER: Should someone get millions for talking like an infant? Or should they be beaten into a coma because they haven't been funny in a fucking decade?

CHRIS KATTAN: Again, someone whose face just screams, "HIT ME!!!!"

JENNIFER LOPEZ: Why is this woman famous? How many good movies has she been in? How many movies has she been in that were good because of her? Or is she only famous because she's got a BIG ASS?!?!?!?

JAIME LYNN-SIGLER: Are you like me? Do you watch the Sopranos & think it's a great show, but when young Meadow is in the scene you can't help but want to kick her skull in with your steel toe boots until you can no longer move your leg? Add into the equation she seems to worship Jennifer Lopez & you're dealing with a Long Island mall child who needs to be locked in a trunk & rolled into a river.

X-PAC: This prancing prag, real name Sean Waltman, truly gets by with a little help from his friends. A mediocre worker with all the personality of a broken reservoir tip whines & cries to have the ending to his matches changed when he's supposed to lose. Since some of his best friends are wrestling superstars, he usually gets his way. Also he prances around the ring like a prison bitch with a flaming cock in his ass.

TOM DELONGE OF BLINK 182: Also someone whose face just begs for a beating. But I really don't need to see this 7-year-old with a pituitary problem prancing in his drawers & whining about his parents’ divorce & calling it punk rock. It's not punk, it's barely music, ya felchmonger.

STEVE IRWIN: The Crocodile Hunter. A man's whose voice is so infuriating he's the Robin Leach of the new millennium. If I can't beat him with barbed wire, I truly hope something with large pointy teeth takes an enormous bite out of his crotch.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: A girl so dumb she once yelled at a man yanking on his dog's leash to "Stop or I'll call the NAACP." Plus she looked like the anorexic daughter of Dee Snider in that Moulin Rouge video ... & it made me know horror.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Had his brother rig an election he was going to win anyway. Did nothing but pray after NY & DC were attacked & has done nothing but go to Camp David ever since. I want my friends to anally violate his daughters, videotape it & I sell the tape to Larry Flynt. Plus, there’s something wrong with a leader who gets more soldiers killed after a war is over than when it was actually taking place.

LANCE BASS OF N'SYNC: This closet case has too much money & a hard on to go into space. I think he should be sent to the outer realms of the cosmos ... & left there. Say hi to Zorak right before he eats your head, girly boy.

BARENAKED LADIES: Everyday during every fucking Lotto commercial I hear on the radio, I hear their estrogen filled song "If I Had A Million Dollars". It sticks in my brain to the point where I have to beat the melody out of my head with my shoe. For that, these guys who have probably never seen a nekkid woman must pay. Pay in blood.

WILL SMITH: The originator of the list. Never mind how much I like Bad Boys, what the fuck is "Jiggy" supposed to be anyway? Go back to being the Fresh Fucking Prince!!!